Desert Soul
Late November, I’ve been walking in the desert of my soul
Along the dry, uncertain bedrock of a once lively stream.
A stream that sparkled and moved swiftly, with assurance,
That clamored over rocks and broken trees,
Racing to some mindless destination.
Until Spring, when floods came to kill a child at play
And rip away the chiseled outline of the riverbed.
I step cautiously not to falter on silent stones uncovered,
Wandering lost in the vast, unchartered,
Long-forgotten emptiness left behind.
I find a crooked path that takes me where I do not know.
Little strength to move on, I stop frequently to rest.
A white-tailed rabbit running in the brush
Rouses my delight and wonder.
He stops and listens for direction, then vanishes in the dust.
Leaving me to meander the riverbed of my life.
©Darlene Lancer 1993
Canyons
Walled chambers of my mind guard the waterways of life.
Forever watching river rafts and passersby floating in their gaiety,
I walk along the banks staring out as life goes by,
Endlessly watching from the distant shore.
Unable to hear the silent laughter,
Unable to see but a few feet ahead,
Unable to touch their smiling faces,
Unnoticed, I make my way
Through canyons that surround me.
There was a time when I had dreams,
When I had plans and hopes and schemes,
They have no meaning to me now.
Just endless waiting in vast empty canyons,
I can’t see out of or through.
© Darlene Lancer 1993
Waiting
Waiting. Waiting for life to begin.
Waiting for love to come in.
Frozen in time.
Tic, Tic, Tic.
Life is vast. Life is bold. Life is wild.
Tic, Tic.
Immovable walls surround me.
A gale slams against my door.
Obscurely, healing crawls with dubiety,
While entropy grinds on.
Tic.
Destruction silently lurks.
A virus, the wind, a word, an accident
Break me while I sit waiting.
Death does not wait.
I cannot wait.
© Darlene Lancer 2020
The Engagement Ring
A solitaire danced above
A swirl of twirling light,
Radiating timeless love,
Promised by my shining knight.
Diamonds blazed in each direction.
For me, she was, like him, perfection.
I wore my ring around the clock.
Washed ten thousand times.
Daily it was knocked and jarred.
Platinum prongs were loose and marred.
Baby diamonds disappeared.
Each one I grieved in despair,
Though stronger it became,
Repair upon repair.
Bit by bit it dimmed and changed.
New diamonds mixed with old.
Through the years its value waned–
Prongs soldered with white gold.
Too delicate for life,
It scratched while exercising.
I often hid my ring away.
Unfettered, I ceased compromising,
And finally took it off to stay.
© Darlene Lancer 2007
The Gordian Knot
A bond scarred by guilt and grief
Sewn unspoken in the past
Tied by blood in a common fate,
Three lives marred by shadows cast.
Victims of lies and love and hate,
Trust defiled, years lost apart.
Mother and child split asunder.
Tender limbs torn from the heart.
Now a man I hardly know
Meets me for a while.
I sense there are things that he won’t show
Beneath his friendly smile.
I see a wounded teen I left behind
Whom I fear losing once again.
As silent doubt haunts my mind,
I smile, too, with lips half-sealed.
We chat, uplifted for today.
But soon returns my heart concealed
Filled with words I never say.
All parents fret when youth leave home,
Cut the cord to make life their own.
They leave emptiness that never is refilled.
Mothers miss the tenderness
Of happy times they knew.
But when memories are robbed and few,
A knotted past won’t straighten or renew.
My mind churns crimes I can’t acquit
And reruns pain from long ago.
Yet every day I feed it,
I eat the seeds I sow.
To forgive ourselves and one another
For a knotted past we can’t undo
Frees this cancer from our family
To recover and begin anew.
© Darlene Lancer 2023
Regretting Regrets
Those were summers lost raining tears,
Composing romance in thin air,
Waiting and pining for listless years,
Hunting for clues and comparing to her.
What went wrong that I was rebuffed?
Grief without closure. Why without answer.
They loved, but didn’t love enough.
Potent daybreaks came and went.
Willing suitors stood in the wing.
Untold pleasures never spent.
Looking backward brought nothing.
A folly wasting so much life,
Wallowing in “What if’s or was”
No doubt, because, it kept me safe
Though they moved on.
I’m regretting regrets
For years bygone.
Exchanging pain for love,
Sorrow for joy,
Not knowing how to live.
No time to squander or to weep
Now, it’s me I must forgive
Before the endless sleep.
© Darlene Lancer 2023
Tomorrow
Green buds coming up
too slow, I thought,
Will they grow?
I don’t know, perhaps they’ll die.
The stems are barren, just a leaf or two;
Some are sickly with white fly.
Another vine looks even worse,
No leaves at all, just tips of green.
This one has no chance, I judged,
while gazing at the light green buds.
A soft voice whispered: “Patience, Wait and See.”
No, I can’t believe.
I need proof right now these plants will grow,
I’m too afraid, I cannot wait
For what tomorrow brings.
Black is all I see.
I cannot trust, nor can I hope,
For then who would I be?
©Darlene Lancer 2003
Initiation On Point At Karabel’s Dancewear
I cover my toes with white lamb’s wool,
And slip on pink satin toe shoes.
At last my own!
I wrap ’round my ankles
Pink satin ribbon,
Crisscross, tie, and tuck in place.
Years of échappes and pirouettes,
Dancing Swan Lake’s Love Duet.
I watch pros rub battered, bleeding feet
and don their broken, tattered shoes
in dressing rooms moist with dancers’ sweat.
I long for arches leaning over toes,
But on point, my feet soon ache,
Too flat and weak
To break the inner soles
And wear away those satin toes,
That mark the ballerina I yearn to be.
© Darlene Lancer 2003
War and Peace
To catch a twilight surf,
I collapse and rest beneath the palms.
Wet salt air subdues my city breath.
The vast horizon calms my treadmill mind.
A sinking blaze of purple, pink, and orange skies
Revives computer weary eyes.
My frozen chest melts and sighs,
While ceaseless tides trek through time.
Whitecaps rise, then disappear to die.
My restive heart ebbs and flows in rhyme.
Seagulls climb and dive to party on the sands.
Beyond the aims of men, my view expands.
Then from afar, Un bel di serenades
Beloved Earth as it flies through space
While bombs descend on foreign lands.
© Darlene Lancer 2004
Sunset by the Sea
No words can woo a restful peace
As does sunset by the sea.
The sun shines a brilliant highway
That spans from shore to sky.
Shadows invade the glittery beam,
Until consumed by waves
That slowly snuff its golden gleam
And devour the sun into milky blue.
The vivid path glowed so bright and real.
Never truly does it dissolve,
If surely it was there,
Even by reflection only.
But its source vanished
In the waters whence it came.
Each day the sea births the sun
That bears life to the sea and path –
Till mother and child dissolve as one.
An illusory lane traced by blinding light.
So seductive, so beautiful and bold,
Seemingly secure enough to walk on.
What if all of time compressed within that sunset hour
When the path emerged then faded in the brine?
Then we might never see the sun leave the sky,
Nor die, enveloped by the sea.
And perhaps if we lived longer and more slowly,
Or were tall enough to glimpse beyond the corners of the sea
To watch the sun live on and not daily disappear,
Then some paths that burn so brightly
And goals that glow distinctly,
Would vanish when seen in total view,
And we would laugh and rest as we may do,
When we sip the peace of sunset by the sea.
© Darlene Lancer 2023
The Cost of Love Lost
Spellbound from the start,
For lust or “love” we lose our heart.
A fire lights our chemistry,
Desire, and intensity that
Confuse love with what’s anxiety,
Convincing us that they’re the one,
Worrying naught for what may come.
Hoping their intent is true,
Ignoring fact and intuition,
We overlook what they lack
And disregard the things we knew
To fabricate our vision.
Romantic hope sweeps us away
While seeking love to keep,
Our morals and our minds may stray.
The price of passion can be steep.
Waning love breeds accusations,
Doubt, deceit, and expectations
For commitments overpromised,
And endearments less than honest.
Distrust and shock cause bitter breakups,
Wasted grief, and prolonged hurt,
Or, apologies and shaky make-ups
That never quite erase the dirt.
Feelings lurk like hungry ghosts:
Jealousy and spite at ex’s posts,
Shame for folly on our part,
Anger we were duped or dropped,
Guilt for rashness with our heart.
Despite blameless self-deception,
If we recoil when love is lost
And chide ourselves for what it cost
With judgments taught in our past,
This strategy of self-protection
Thwarts finding partners who may last.
Although thinking we’ve moved on,
Resentment savored for too long
Hides trauma unforgiven
That keeps us safe but still in prison.
When victim memories won’t let go
And we don’t comfort our distress,
Life and past remain in limbo…
But when self-compassion mends our pain,
Our heart is freed to love again.
© 2023 Darlene Lancer
Letting Go
How do you soothe a heart that yearns
and forget unlived dreams it keeps?
How do you discard what you never had
While death crawls silently in sleep.
When the future holds uncertainty,
How do you heal the seeds you’ve sown
With no hope to soothe the pain
While wishing for what can’t be grown?
The heart’s longing and aim remain,
Ever tied to Sisyphus’ stone.
How do you pause the snow birds’ flight
or a praying mantis mating?
How can you keep moths from the light
or the Great Migrations waiting?
It’s hard to accept what never was,
Fruitless searching for the prize,
While ignoring the hungry child inside,
In stillness, love and peace abide.
© 2023 Darlene Lancer