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The Promises of Recovery
Recovery is a transformational journey called individuation. The promises of recovery and the benefits it returns are freedom, confidence, and self-love. There are stages of recovery from addiction and codependency, from building awareness and detaching, doing the hard work of changing yourself and your life, to eventually experiencing the promises.
It’s common for people to complain that their partner or loved ones aren’t working on themselves. They think, “Why bother?” This attitude is ill-conceived, because we embark on this journey to change ourselves, and we are the ones who reap the rewards.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is an attachment to an abuser in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., coined the term in 1997. He defined it as an adaptive, dysfunctional attachment occurring in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation in order to survive. It is a trauma reaction created due to a power imbalance and recurring abuse mixed with intermittent positive reinforcement; in other words, good and bad treatment. The abuser is the dominant partner who controls the victim with fear, unpredictability, belittling, and control.
Having a Narcissistic Parent
A narcissistic parent behaves as they imagine themselves to be—the king or queen of the family, or someone whose activities are more important than being part of the family. As a child, your parents are your world until you’re able to leave home. Your survival and self-concept depend on them. A narcissistic parent can severely damage your self-esteem, which to develop requires love and acceptance from both parents. Children of narcissistic parents typically grow up insecure and codependent.Continue reading
Narcissists’ Dirty Little Secret
You won’t guess abusers’ dirty little secret – the one thing narcissists and abusers don’t want you to know. In fact, they find it so shameful that most of them won’t admit it even to themselves. They hide it behind their abuse and bluster, their braggadocio, and their arrogance.
People are fooled by the narcissist’s bold persona. They’re confused by their words and intimidated and shamed by their aggression. They don’t realize that an abuser’s personality is a mask and that their behavior is a smoke and mirror game. It’s manufactured as a defense system to hide a scared, insecure child inside – a child who feels as insignificant as the abuser’s pretense of importance.
Their secret is that they feel insecure and needy. This is why they must at all costs feel powerful and in control. Once you realize this, it explains their entire personality and abuse. They act as if they’re needless and judge their partners for their needs and feelings. Some abusers and narcissists seem quite self-sufficient outside of an intimate relationship.
Are You Feeding Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissists hunger to have their needs for power, admiration, and attention filled is constant and relentless. They require continuous validation and praise but don’t hope for the same in return. If you’re in a close relationship with a narcissist, they expect you to supply them.
The term “narcissistic supply” is based on the psychoanalytic theory that concerns essential needs of babies and toddlers to maintain their mental and emotional equilibrium. Loss of necessary supplies in childhood can lead to depression and later attempts to get them through addiction and other means.
Narcissists’ deficient self and inner resources make them dependent on other people to affirm their impaired self-esteem and fragile ego. They only validate themselves as reflected in the eyes of others.
Despite their facade of confidence, boasting, and self-flattery, they crave attention, respect, and constant admiration and actually fear that they’re undesirable.
Continue reading
How to Have Boundaries in the Pandemic
Maintaining boundaries is challenging for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantined with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could create physical space by seeing friends, going to work, the gym, or even taking side trips.
All that has changed. People who have been alone and lonely realize how much they need others. Some couples are closer, while others are headed for divorce.
Drug and alcohol abuse has risen, as well as mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. A recent UK study reveals some interesting statistics:
Why Receiving is Hard
Is receiving a compliment or a gift difficult for you? Do you ever ask for a favor or help, or would you rather do it yourself? These are just small examples of why you may not be getting the love you want in a relationship. In healthy relationships, there is a daily exchange of love, help, and cooperation. Continue reading
Narcissists’ Tactics to Gain Power and Self-Esteem
To some degree, we all desire to improve our social status and self-esteem, but narcissists feel compelled to. A recent study concluded this is their constant concern. More than most people, they look to others for self-definition and self-esteem, which is very high or low. Continue reading
Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency
Codependency is more than a relationship problem. Wounds of codependency affect our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. Codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our individuality, authenticity, and our future quality of life. The beliefs and behaviors we learned led to problems in adult relationships. In fact, they tend to recreate the dysfunctional family of our past. Continue reading
4 Types of Narcissism Share a Core Trait
There are four major types of narcissism. Researchers have been hunting for the core of narcissism that all narcissists share despite varying symptoms and severity. Narcissists use a variety of tactics and defenses to keep you insecure and ensure their status and their needs are met. It’s easy to be confused, but it’s important to understand and spot which type of narcissist you’re dealing with. Recently, two research teams have identified a common trait.
Dating a Narcissist
You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. When dating, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over—sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar. Narcissists are never boring. Continue reading
How to Tell if You’re Willful or Strong Willed
Strong-willed people are successful, yet those who are willful often sabotage success. Willful individuals can be fiercely stubborn in their opinions and pursuit of their goals, ignoring what other people think and need. They often fiercely force their will despite obstacles or negative implications. Their behavior has obsessive and compulsive qualities in that they’re unable to let go and is an obstacle to overcoming codependency and addiction. Continue reading
Changing Codependent Dynamics in Abusive Relationships
If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may not realize that your behavior encourages the relationship’s unhealthy dynamics. Often codependents are in abusive relationships with addicts or people who have mental illness. From my personal and professional experience, it’s hard – nearly impossible – to change the dynamics in abusive relationships without support, particularly in a long-term relationship. Continue reading
How to Detach and Let Go with Love
Although it’s painful to see our loved ones be self-destructive, detaching allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior. Attachment and caring are normal. It’s healthy to get attached to people we love and care about, but codependent attachment causes us pain and problems in relationships. We become overly attached—not because we love so much but because we need so much. Continue reading
7 Ways of Cultivating Love in Your Life
Most of us seek someone to love or to love us. We don’t think about cultivating self-love or realize that love originates within. You may be seeking a relationship, but research suggests that singles are actually happier than married people, with the exception of happily married people. But even that dwindles over time. A new study shows that on average, after the first year, spouses return to their baseline state of happiness prior to the marriage. Thus, similar to the conclusions reached in the studies done on lottery winners, after marriage and after winning, we eventually return to how happy we are as individuals.
Self-esteem matters. Research has well-established that it’s a big factor in the health and happiness of marriage. Low self-esteem can prevent us from reaping the rewards of love in a relationship.
Science Explains Mind Control!
A new study sheds light on how people influence and control our mind. Research on mice, whose brains are remarkably similar to humans, reveals that our brains are affected by those around us. The key factor is dominance. The brain of the subordinate mouse synchronized with the dominant mouse. This likely applies to our relationships. Typically, people with stronger personalities make the decisions and get their needs met more often than their partners do.
Sibling Bullying and Abuse: A Hidden Epidemic
Sibling abuse is the most common but least reported abuse in the family. Prevalence is higher than spousal or child abuse combined with consequences well into adulthood similar to parent-child abuse. Up to 80 percent of youth experience some form of sibling maltreatment; yet, it’s been called the “forgotten abuse.” [1] Therapists also frequently overlook it. Continue reading
8 Ways We Sabotage Love
Although we seek love, we may unwittingly damage or derail it. Surprisingly, our fear of not being loved, which includes fear of abandonment, loneliness, and rejection, can lead to eight frequent behaviors that sabotage love and relationships. When we lack self-love, although we may have relationships, generally they’re unfulfilling or don’t last. We won’t find real love if we don’t believe we’re lovable. Continue reading
The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love
Most relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? As much as we want love, paradoxically, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find love and sabotage it in relationships. Ironically, we can create our worst fear by trying to avoid it. This may sound ridiculous if you attract distancers.
What is Healthy Narcissism? Is It Self-Love?
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance,” wrote Oscar Wilde. Known for his wit and irony, was Wilde referring to narcissistic love or real self-love and healthy narcissism? There is a difference. Wilde’s use of the word “romance” suggests the former. That’s a key to differentiating the two concepts.
Romantic love is filtered by illusion and idealization. In the romantic phase of relationships, intense feelings are predominantly based on projection and physical pleasure. All is rosy, because we don’t really know the other person or see his or her flaws.
Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray is about narcissism.
How Shame Feels and What Makes it Toxic
Sprawled on the hallway floor, skirt flying, hitting and kicking, I wrestled with Tina before a crowd of junior high school schoolmates, including a dozen boys from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her cohorts had taunted and insulted me all week. She started in again, shoving me at our adjacent lockers. I’d finally had enough, I pushed her back, and we ended up fighting on the floor.
Before actually harming one another, the girls V.P. escorted us to her office. Tina was expelled. I felt relieved that only my modesty was tarnished . . . until I returned home. Then I was mortified to discover a small rip in my panties! My defectiveness, symbolized by that imperfection, had been exposed. This is the essence of shame.
Why You Can Love an Abuser
Falling in love happens to us ― usually before we really know our partner. It’s because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly called “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving an abuser or someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, you’re attached and want to maintain your connection and love. You may have overlooked hints of abuse at the beginning because abusers are good at seduction.
Why You Were Ghosted and What to Do
Rejection and breakups are hard enough, but being ghosted can be traumatic. It can leave you with unanswered questions that make it hard to move on. Although ghosting also occurs in friendships, it’s usually associated with dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears after years of marriage. It’s like the sudden death of the person and the marriage. But even the unexplained, unexpected end to a brief romantic relationship can feel like betrayal and shatter your trust in yourself, in love, and in other people.
Unexpected Trauma from Abuse
Codependency robs us of a self and self-love. We’ve learned to conceal who we really are, because we grew up pleasing, rebelling against, or withdrawing from dysfunctional parents. This sets us up for trauma. As adults, even if we’re successful in some areas, our emotional life isn’t easy. We’re insecure about our worth and find self-love elusive. Continue reading
Spiritual Transformation Through Relationship
A relationship can be an exciting spiritual path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow―a path to spiritual transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine. The word spirituality derives from “spiritus,” meaning vitality or breath of life. Like an electric charge, that force awakens our soul. The more we’re aligned with it, the stronger and more alive is our soul. We tap into this power each time we express ourselves authentically.Continue reading
Covert Tactics Manipulators Use to Control and Confuse You
Many of us don’t recognize manipulators or even realize they’re trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn’t match the manipulator’s words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse. Or they play into the hands of the abuser and feel small and guilty, but retreat allows unacceptable behavior. If you had a manipulative parent, it may be harder to recognize it in a partner, because it’s familiar.
To “know your enemy” is essential in dealing with a manipulator. Spotting their hidden arrows allows you to respond strategically. Understanding what they’re up to empowers you.
What You Should Know about Narcissists, Their Partners, & NPD
Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water and died hungering for its response. Narcissism was named for him. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common misconception that they love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit–usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outwards in their disdain for and criticism of others. Continue reading
What is Self-Esteem and How to Raise It?
Self-esteem is what we think of ourselves. When we raise our self-esteem, we have confidence and self-respect. We’re content with ourselves and our abilities, in who we are and our competence. Self-esteem has significant ramifications for our happiness and enjoyment of life. It affects not only what we think, but also how we feel and behave. It influences every aspect of our lives.
Why Narcissists Act the Way They Do
You can enjoy narcissistic symptoms when a narcissist is charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. But they can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be baffling, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. That awareness protects you from their games, lies, and manipulation.
Narcissists have an impaired, undeveloped self. They think and function differently from other people, because of the way their brain is wired, whether due to nature or nurture.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is sneaky and powerful. You may not be aware that it’s the root cause of your problems. If your thinking and behavior revolve around someone you may be codependent. Codependents tune out internal cues and instead of expressing their own needs and feelings, they react to someone or something external. Addicts are codependent, too. Their lives revolve around their addiction–be it food, work, drugs, or sex.
Need-Fulfillment is the Key to Happiness
The key to happiness is meeting our needs (need-fulfillment). Although codependents are very good at meeting the needs of other people, many are clueless about their own needs. They have problems identifying, expressing, and fulfilling their needs and wants. They’re usually very attuned to other people and may even anticipate their needs and desires. Over the years, they become used to accommodating others and lose the connection to their own needs and wants.
Combat Narcissists’ and Abusers’ Primary Weapon: Projection
Projection, in general, and narcissist projection are defense mechanisms commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they say, “It’s not me, it’s you!” When we project, we are defending ourselves against unconscious impulses or traits, either positive or negative, that we’ve denied in ourselves. Instead, we attribute them to others. Our thoughts or feelings about someone or something are too uncomfortable to acknowledge. In our minds, we believe that the thought or emotion originates from that other person. Continue reading
The Danger of a Covert Narcissist
You may be fooled by a covert narcissist, but they’re every bit as much narcissists as the stereotypical extroverted narcissists. Some narcissists may emphasize one personality trait over others. A person with an outgoing personality might always show off and need to be the center of attention, while another narcissist might be a vindictive bully, an entitled playboy, an imperious authoritarian, or an exacting know-it-all, as articulated by Madonna, “Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.”
Why and How Narcissists Play Games
Narcissists play games. To a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It’s a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don’t intrude.
In relationships, narcissists focus on their goals. For a male narcissist, that’s usually sex or to have a beautiful woman at his side. A female narcissist may be looking for material gifts, sex, acts of service, and/or an extravagant courtship. It’s important to understand a narcissist’s mind.
They see relationships as a means to get what they want, without concern for the feelings of the other person. Their only concern is what they can get out of it. Continue reading
Beware of the Dark Triad
Think of the Dark Triad of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism as the Bermuda Triangle – it’s perilous to get near it! The traits of all three often overlap and create personality profiles that are damaging and toxic, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, where we let our guard down.
One woman was the subject of identity fraud. Her bank accounts and credit cards were compromised. She regularly spoke to the FBI and suffered extreme anxiety and emotional stress. The authorities were unsuccessful in finding the culprit.
How to Spot a Narcissist
Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. One study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But don’t fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared for, and unimportant. Typically, a narcissist’s criticism, demands, and emotional unavailability increase, while your confidence and self-esteem decrease. Here’s how to spot a narcissist… Continue reading
Love Bombing and Narcissistic Attachment
Love bombing can feel glorious! The lavish attention and affection seem to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right―our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. Rejection is excruciating, especially at the height of romance. It’s a traumatic shock to our hearts. We feel duped, betrayed, and abandoned.
Deprogramming Codependent Beliefs
Codependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and our environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough. This is internalized shame. To change, we can challenge our beliefs. Learn how.
Dealing with Toxic Parents
Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or a serious addiction.
We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. We may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met. Unfortunately, when they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. The first step to protect yourself is awareness, followed by detaching and setting boundaries.
How to Tell if a Narcissist Loves You
Anyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but don’t want to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others that they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes they experience caring companionship, only to be followed by demeaning behavior. Narcissists claim to love their family and partners, but do they?
How to Handle Narcissistic Abuse
We’re all capable of abuse when we’re frustrated or hurt. We may be guilty of criticizing, judging, withholding, and controlling, but some abusers, including narcissists, take abuse to a different level. Narcissistic Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and/or spiritual. Some types of emotional abuse are not easy to spot, including manipulation. It can include emotional blackmail, using threats and intimidation to exercise control. However confronting and healing from narcissistic abuse is possible.
Do I Have to Lose Me to Love You?
Some of us get so wrapped up in a relationship that we tend to lose ourselves. It happens slowly until it’s too late. We don’t realize that losing our Self is the ultimate cause of despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it’s devastating, because we are lost. We might seem to do fine on our own, but the struggle to achieve it shows up in our relationships. We lose ourselves gradually in small imperceptible ways.
Do’s and Don’ts in Confronting Abuse
Abuse is about having power over someone. Abusers typically want to feel superior and to control and dominate. To them, communication is not about understanding. It’s a win-lose game. They use verbal abuse and/or violence to accomplish this. They’re frequently self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, lack empathy, and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding. Continue reading
5 Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist
Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. They easily charm codependents. One study showed that narcissists’ likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. I’ve had a number of clients who claimed that the courtship with their narcissistic spouse was wonderful and that abuse only began following the wedding. With greater insight, these clients admitted that there were signs that they’d overlooked. Here’s how to know whether or not you’re dating a narcissist…Continue reading
Gaslighting 101: Signs, Symptoms, and Recovery
Gaslighting is a malicious and hidden form of emotional and mental abuse, designed to plant seeds of self-doubt and alter your perception of reality. The term comes from the play and later film Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer.
Gaslighting refers to a deliberate pattern of manipulation calculated to make you trust the perpetrator and doubt your own perceptions or sanity, similar to brainwashing. Like all abuse, it’s based on the need for power, control, or concealment.Continue reading
Narcissus and Echo: The Heartbreak of Relationships with Narcissists
The poignant myth of Narcissus and Echo crystallizes the problem of relationships with narcissists. They were tragic characters in Ovid’s Metamorphoses. Sadly, both partners feel insufficiently loved but are locked in a painful drama. Yet, the narcissist feels irreproachable and blames his or her partner, who too often readily agrees.
Narcissus was a handsome hunter who broke the hearts of many women. Despite their love, he remained aloof and arrogant. Pridefully, he held them in disdain.Continue reading
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Our mother is our first love. She’s our introduction to life and to ourselves. She’s our lifeline to security. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. We naturally long for her physical and emotional sustenance, her touch, her smile, and her protection. Her empathetic reflection of our feelings, wants, and needs informs us who we are and that we have value. A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize damages her children’s healthy psychological development. Continue reading
Trauma of Children of Addicts & Alcoholics
lLiving with an addict (including alcoholic [1]) can feel like living in a war zone. The addict’s personality changes caused by addiction create chaos. Family dynamics are organized around the substance abuser, who acts like a tyrant, denying that drinking or using is a problem while issuing orders and blaming everyone else.
5 Life-Changing Habits that Build Self-Esteem
Our thoughts are powerful – for better or worse. They set off chain reactions that build self-esteem or undermine it. Authority over our mind is the ultimate power. “Mind is everything. What you think you become,” said Buddha. Thoughts affect not only our mental health, relationships, and the ability to achieve our goals, but also our physical health – our digestion, circulation, respiration, immunity, and nervous system. Next are our actions. Change begins in the mind, but is manifested and amplified by our actions. Continue reading
Getting Triggered and What You Can Do
Getting your “buttons” pushed or getting “triggered” can hurt or enrage us. But it’s an opportunity to heal and grow. The more hurts we’ve endured and the weaker our boundaries, the more reactive we are to people and events. Our triggers – our buttons – are our wounds.
Codependents are off the charts when it comes to reacting to others’ feelings, needs, problems, opinions, wants, and more. When we react, we permit our insides to be taken over by someone or something outside of us. We’re pulled off center and might start thinking about that person or about what might happen in the future. There’s no filter or boundary. Continue reading
Relationship Killers: Anger and Resentment
Anger and resentment hurt when we don’t get what we want or need. It can escalate to rage when we feel assaulted or threatened by something physical, emotional, or abstract, such as an attack on our reputation. When we react disproportionately to our present circumstance, it’s because we’re really reacting to something in our past event – often from childhood.
Many of us have a lot of anger and for good reason, but we don’t know how to express it effectively.
How to Spot Manipulation
We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering as if the person has your highest concern in mind. In reality, it’s to achieve an ulterior motive.
Sometimes, it’s veiled hostility. It can be abusive and the objective may purely be power. You may not realize that you’re being intimidated. If you grew up being manipulated, it’s harder to discern what’s going on, because it feels familiar. Continue reading
10 Tips to Spot Emotional Unavailability
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of being unable to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses or are just inept in talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance. You end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected. More women complain about emotional unavailability than men, yet are unaware that they’re emotionally unavailable, too. Continue reading
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire. But deep down, narcissists feel the gap between the façade they show the world and their shame-based self. They work hard to avoid feeling that shame. This gap is true for other codependents, as well, but a narcissist uses destructive defense mechanisms that damage relationships and their loved ones’ self-esteem.
The Power of Personal Boundaries
Love won’t last without personal boundaries. It’s easy to understand external boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow.
If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up.
Recovering from Rejection and Breakups
Because our nervous system is wired to need others, rejection and recovering from breakups are painful. Loneliness and the need for connection share the evolutionary purpose of survival and reproduction. Ideally, loneliness encourages us to maintain our relationships and reach out to others. Rejection in an intimate relationship especially hurts. It’s particularly difficult in the romantic phase of a relationship when you have unmet hope for the future.
How to Change Your Attachment Style
We’re wired for attachment – why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships. (Read how early “Attachment Style Shapes Our Choices“)Continue reading
Emotional Abuse: Beneath Your Radar?
Over 10 million men and women are subjected to domestic violence each year. Many more go unreported. Emotional abuse precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. Unfortunately, many don’t even realize it.
Emotional abuse may be hard to recognize, because it can be subtle, and abusers often blame their victims. Continue reading
Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Partner
Passive-aggressive people act passive, but express aggression covertly. They’re basically obstructionist and try to block whatever you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” or blame you for the anger they’re provoking.
Passive-aggressive partners are generally codependent, and like codependents, suffer from shame and low self-esteem.
Are You a Caregiver or Codependent Caretaker?
Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we grew up in a troubled environment, we might confuse our pain with love. Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and hurt so much. Are you a caregiver or codependent caretaker? Continue reading
Living with an Addict – Alcoholic
Living with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often becoming the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider; yet we’re unable to lean on our partner for comfort or support.
Meanwhile, we enable the addiction by rescuing him or her from disasters, medical emergencies, accidents, or jail and by making excuses for no-shows at work and family gatherings.
Are You a People-Pleaser?
A people-pleaser isn’t just big-hearted or kind to others. Nor are people-pleasers compromising. People-pleasing differs from accommodating someone though we rather not, because we value the relationship and know that compromise is necessary to sustain it. People-pleasers don’t have the luxury of choice. Their behavior has become a lifestyle. It’s compulsive, because they’re unable to say no.
Everyone starts out in life wanting to be safe, loved, and accepted. It’s in our DNA. Some of us figure out that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow someone else’s needs and feelings to take precedence. This works for a while. It feels natural, and there’s less outer conflict, but our inner conflict grows. If we’d like to say no, we feel guilty, and we may feel resentful when we yes. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship?
Do you feel trapped in a relationship you can’t leave? Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people stay in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for lots of reasons, but feeling trapped often stems from unconscious fears.
People give many explanations for staying, ranging from caring for young children to caring for a sick mate. One man was too afraid and guilt-ridden to leave his ill wife (11 years his senior). His ambivalence made him so distressed, he died before she did! Money binds couples who believe they can’t afford to separate. Yet, couples with more means may cling to a comfortable lifestyle, while their marriage dissembles into a business arrangement. Continue reading
Symptoms of Codependency
The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. It originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics. Research later revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. They found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, it’s likely that you’re codependent. Don’t feel discouraged if that includes you. You’re in the majority! So, what are the symptoms of codependency? Continue reading
Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?
Rejection and breakups are painful, especially for codependents – even in an abusive relationship! It can take us longer to get over a breakup, sometimes years, for even a short relationship. Codependents have difficulty letting go.
Breakups affect our self-esteem more than it does for people who are secure and confident. This is because breakups trigger hidden grief and cause irrational guilt, anger, shame, and fear.
What is Emotional Abandonment?
We may not realize that we’re feeling emotionally abandoned or that we did as a child. We may be unhappy, but can’t put our finger on what it is. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. They also may not realize that loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, and illness can feel like emotional abandonment. However, emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside us – when we can’t connect, and our emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship.Continue reading
Codependency Relationship Problems
Everyone laughs when I tell them that I wrote Codependency for Dummies. But codependency in relationships is no laughing matter. It causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans, both in and out of relationships. I know. I spent decades recovering.
There are all types of codependents, including caretakers, addicts, pleasers, and workaholics, to name a few. They all have one thing in common: They’ve lost the connection to their core. Their thoughts and behavior revolve around someone or something external, whether it’s a person or an addiction.
The Dance of Intimacy
The relationship duet is the dance of intimacy all couples do. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the Distancer keep running, but never really get away.
They’re negotiating the emotional space between them. We all have needs for both autonomy and intimacy – independence and dependency, yet simultaneously fear both being abandoned (acted by the Pursuer), and being too close (acted by the Distancer). Thus, we have the dilemma of intimacy: How can we be close enough to feel secure and safe, without feeling threatened by too much closeness?
Signs of Lack of Empathy and What You Can Do
A lack of empathy is not sufficient for a diagnosis of narcissism but it underlies several narcissistic traits, such as arrogance, entitlement, and being exploitative. On the other hand, a lack of empathy can be associated with borderline personality disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, and sociopathy, as well as more benign problems, such as low emotional intelligence, stress, and alexithymia.
Alexithymia (a restricted ability to identify and describe emotions) is often caused by a lack of appropriate emotional modeling during childhood and may be related to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and some medical conditions. When a parent is self-centered due to addiction, depression, or a personality disorder and they were unable to appropriately attune to your emotions, then your ability to identify them may become impaired. When a lack of empathy is not a sign of full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder (as distinguished from having some narcissistic traits, the person may be able to learn empathy.
What is Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand other people’s feelings and needs. There is cognitive and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand intellectually and take the other person’s perspective. Emotional empathy is the ability to identify with what another person feels through shared experiences of emotional situations. A person who lacks empathy may struggle with regulating their own feelings. Many narcissists have cognitive empathy and can use their skill to manipulate other people, yet they’re often unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Brain Differences
There are several areas in the brain that regulate compassion. These areas impact positive emotions and behavior toward other people, such as remorse, empathy, appreciation, and gratitude. For some individuals due to atypical patterns in these regions, they process interactions with other people differently, which leads to problems with social cues and empathy. For example, this is true in narcissistic personality disorder. According to neuropsychologist Ronda Freeman, narcissists have a brain pattern that reflects hypersensitivity toward themselves and insensitivity toward others. This explains their self-centered coldness toward others, narcissistic abuse, and their exquisite sensitivity to any perceived slight or criticism.
The Impact of Lack of Empathy
When a parent or partner lacks empathy, you might feel unimportant, uncared about, and unloved – that your needs and feelings, essentially YOU, don’t matter. Conversations are frustrating because you don’t feel understood or seen. Our emotions are such a core part of ourselves that when loved ones are not attuned to them or our needs, we feel alone and disconnected from them.
In childhood, these feelings lead to shame and distort your self-concept when your parent lacks empathy. It is a trauma of emotional abandonment that can lead to relationships where you feel the same way. Since you don’t feel you deserve better treatment, you’re more likely to deny and tolerate a partner who lacks empathy. You might rationalize their behavior by judging yourself or just trying harder to please and get love. It can create an insecure, anxious attachment style.
Signs of Lack of Empathy
These signs should be considered together to paint an individual’s profile. One sign may be insufficient to indicate an inability to empathize, especially if it is only occasional, while other traits are more serious. Even many people capable of empathy are unable to empathize or take your perspective when put on the defensive or in a heated argument.
Remember that in most cases, the inability to empathize originates in the brain and is unconscious and not willful. Although the person may intellectually understand right from wrong, their brain makes them more self-focused and insensitive to the feelings and needs of others. Here is a list of some of the consequences that impact empathy and compassion:
- Self-Centeredness
The person does not consider other people and is not interested in your needs and feelings. The relationship feels one-sided and all about them.
- Indifferent to the suffering of others or animals
This shows a degree of coldness; however, some people are only moved by the suffering of loved ones, while other people empathize with plants.
- Indifferent for your successes and good news
It’s a sign they only care about themselves when you share your successes – except in instances where you have implemented their ideas, which they can take pride in.
- Monopolizes conversations
This indicates they lack interest in you or getting to know your feelings. They are often poor listeners. Someone insecure or a narcissist may be envious of and competitive with you and withhold praise and encouragement.
- Disregards your boundaries
Because they lack empathy, your needs and feelings are unimportant. Narcissists don’t see other people as separate from themselves, so there is no boundary for them.
- Won’t compromise
A person who disregards your needs and feelings won’t be motivated to compromise. Narcissists act as if it’s “My way or the highway.” Decisions must favor them despite your protest. They place their interests before yours and the welfare of the relationship.
- Lacks responsibility and regret for hurting people
A person without empathy isn’t aware of their impact on other people. Narcissists almost never take responsibility for their actions due to their shame and rarely admit mistakes. When you explain it to them, they might not care – especially true of a narcissist.
- Never apologizes
Because of No. 7, a person without empathy, particularly narcissists, rarely apologize. Some narcissists do apologize, but it may be a manipulation to get their needs met by you. You may be unable to tell whether they’re sincere. Notice if they repeat the same objectionable behavior and act like the apology never happened.
- Unaware of their impact on others socially
Without empathy, a person may act inappropriately, unless they have been taught or learned by observation how people behave. For example, they learn to say please and thank you. Still, there are situations where they are obnoxious or inappropriate, such as asking a widow for a favor at her husband’s funeral. Larry David on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” continually makes these faux pas. Unlike most narcissists, he tries to make amends and apologizes but he usually compounds his error.
- Impatient with other people, their emotions, and their problems
Because they don’t understand and care about other people’s feelings, another person’s feelings and misfortune are often considered irrelevant and treated as an inconvenience. Your feelings and problems are of no consequence – unless they impact them.
- Harshly critical of other people
Someone without empathy who prioritizes their needs and feelings above other people tries to control their environment to suit them. They want other people to behave in ways that meet their needs. Rather than take responsibility for their own discomfort, they blame and expect other people to calm their inner turmoil.
- Limited forgiveness
Narcissists and other aggressive individuals without empathy often hold grudges and can’t forgive other people for their mistakes or weaknesses. They are just as hard on themselves due to internal shame, but rarely reveal that. In their eyes, forgiving someone also gives the other person power, and they want to retain power and control to feel safe.
- Takes but won’t share or reciprocate
A self-centered person, particularly a narcissist, feels entitled to have things go their way. It also is an expression of power and dominance, which makes them feel safe. They can dish and have endless demands, but won’t give – unless it benefits them.
- Treats service employees as personal servants
People without empathy don’t realize people have feelings just as they do. Narcissists view other people as objects to serve their needs. They are also arrogant, status-conscious, and feel entitled. They look down on people of a lower status and those being paid for a service.
- Feels entitled to exploit people
Not everyone who lacks empathy exploits people, but a lack of empathy makes it easier to do so. Because narcissists lack empathy and feel entitled, even if they’re made aware of the impact of their behavior, they may not care – unless they stand to suffer from their exploitative behavior.
- Victim-blaming
Rather than take responsibility for their behavior and injury to other people, they blame someone else, including the person they hurt. See D.A.R.V.O.
- Difficulty understanding and regulating their emotions
Just as they have difficulty understanding other people’s emotions, they can’t regulate their own. They blame other people for their feelings and try to control other people instead of themselves.
- They believe their children owe them
This is particularly true of narcissists who see their children as objects and expect them to take care of their needs rather than the other way around.
What You Can Do
Your options will vary depending on the cause of the person’s inability to empathize. Most people with a personality disorder can be motivated to understand you cognitively and pay attention to your needs, although they may not be able to feel what you feel.
- Identify your feelings when you’re not understood. If you have strong feelings of hurt or anger, you may be experiencing a trauma reaction from childhood. Journal about related childhood experiences.
- Detach from the other person’s lack of empathy. They never learned it and/or their brain lacks that capacity. Remember QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally.
- Model empathy. Identify and name feelings, and communicate the impact of the person’s behavior. (This teaches empathy and is especially important with children.)
- Have a calm, empathetic, nonjudgmental conversation about the problem. Be assertive. Let the person know the impact on you, the relationship, what’s missing, and how things would feel if the person made an effort to understand you better. Be patient. Most people don’t like to hear about their shortcomings and may deny them at first. Don’t try to solve the problem in the first conversation. Ask the person if they would think about your concerns. Allow your words to sink in.
- If the person is not interested in discussing this or dismisses your feelings, use Strategic Transactional Communication described in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships to motivate them and to get your needs met.
- Practice compassion for yourself and the other person to accept their limitations. Find empathetic people to talk to. Listen to the Self-Love Meditation.
- Get counseling to heal past and present trauma around emotional abandonment.
- Motivate the other person to seek therapy. Perhaps this issue has hindered their other relationships or success at work. Use Strategic Transactional Communication to motivate them. See Therapy for Narcissists.
© 2023 Darlene Lancer
M, Saarijärvi S. “Development of alexithymic personality features.” World J Psychiatry. 2014 Dec 22;4(4):91-102. doi: 10.5498/wjp.v4.i4.9.1 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4274591/
Myths about Narcissism
Research on narcissistic personality disorder has substantially increased in the last 20 years, and the public discourse on narcissism has exploded, but it is often inaccurate. Many social media spokespersons (both narcissists and their victims) generalize their personal experiences to all narcissists. As an author and licensed family therapist, I’m often confronted with myths about narcissism and my writing is evidence-based on my clinical experience and academic studies.
In order to deal effectively with narcissists, it’s essential to understand their minds, motivations, and why narcissists act the way they do.
Here are some of the common misguided beliefs and myths about narcissism.
What an Interdependent Relationship Looks Like
To feel free in an interdependent relationship is the goal of recovery. It requires autonomy, self-esteem, and boundaries. Being able to envision what a healthy relationship looks like can help us modify our behavior to overcome codependency.
It’s paradoxical that autonomy supports a healthy relationship and we can feel even freer while in one. In fact, a balance of autonomy and intimacy makes the relationship more stable.
10 Reasons Emotional Abuse is Traumatizing
Emotional abuse has become more common and accepted in politics and the media. It’s widespread and under-reported, but should not be ignored. It can be more harmful than physical abuse, which is almost always preceded by emotional abuse and trauma. Emotional abuse includes mental, psychological, verbal, and financial abuse. Sometimes it’s overt and easily spotted, such as verbal attacks and threats, but other times it’s covert, subtle, or passive-aggressive.
Abusers’ goal is to increase their power in the relationship. They’re often skilled manipulators. This is especially true of narcissists, who engage in narcissistic abuse. Abuse can also take the form of intentionally withholding communication and affection or gaslighting that is designed to make you doubt your mind, memory, and perceptions. Gaslighters may even act concerned and try to be helpful to confuse you. They may act offended and like they have no idea why you are upset.
Comparing Covert vs. Grandiose Narcissists
When comparing covert vs grandiose narcissists, covert narcissists are more difficult in many ways.
We can all spot those charming, attention-seeking extroverts whose vanity and boldness can be obnoxious and shameless. These are grandiose narcissists, also called exhibitionist narcissists.
Covert narcissism is a lesser-known type of narcissism (also referred to as closet, introverted, or vulnerable narcissism). Like the grandiose type, covert narcissists are self-absorbed, entitled, exploitative, unempathetic, manipulative, and aggressive, but they fear criticism so much they shy away from attention.
On the surface, they can be hard to identify. Covert narcissists may appear shy, humble, open, or anxious. The danger is in not seeing through their passive facade. But they can be just as destructive in relationships as the extroverted type.
Dealing with an Abuser or Narcissist
Narcissists are antagonistic and selfish and can be abusive. Dealing with an abuser or narcissist is challenging. Whether the relationship is with a parent, sibling, or lover, love may feel out of reach. Do you feel emotionally abandoned or abused, vacillate between hope and pain, love and resentment, and staying or cutting off contact?
Living together breeds hurt, resentment, and anxiety as you grow accustomed to self-sacrifice and emotional abuse, or even physical abuse. Loving someone who alternates between care and abuse or is unable to show love is confusing, heart-wrenching, and addictive.
Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child
We all have an “inner child,” which is an unconscious archetype coined by Carl Jung. It holds our vulnerability, spontaneity, creativity, curiosity, and magical ideas. It also holds fears, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and insecurity experienced growing up and is a vital part in healing trauma.
Our inner child manifests through our beliefs and actions and can have a negative influence on our thoughts, feelings, interpersonal behavior, and choices as adults. To heal trauma, we must develop a relationship with our wounded self.