The Price and Payoff of a Gray Rock Strategy


gray-rockOne strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don’t feed their needs for drama or attention. You don’t show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say “maybe” or “I don’t know.”

Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. This maneuver deprives a narcissist of his or her “narcissistic supply.” For sociopaths and borderline personalities, it deprives them of drama.

You become so boring that the other person has no interest in you and will look elsewhere to get their needs met. Even if you’re accused, you might agree or say nothing. Your nonresistance makes it harder for them to project onto you. The idea is to blend into the background, like a gray rock.

When to be a Gray Rock

Gray Rock is the most effective in work and dating relationships or when co-parenting after separation with the goal of being left alone. In marriages, your spouse may not want a divorce for a variety of reasons. Even if you no longer want or expect love from your spouse but want to stay married, be prepared for him or her to get needs met outside the marriage. Consider how you will feel if your spouse openly takes a lover. Not reacting to adultery gives permission to your spouse to “have his (or her) cake and eat it too.” On the other hand, if you want to break up or escape a hovering narcissist or sociopath, they will soon tire of your lack of response and leave you alone.

Risks of Going Gray Rock

In “Do’s and Don’ts in Confronting Abuse,” I explain why typical responses to abusers, such as explaining, arguing, and placating, are counterproductive. Going gray rock is also not without risks. Be forewarned that if you want more attention and love from a narcissist, this tactic will drive them away. Moreover, abusers will up the ante to elicit a response from you to regain control and reassure themselves that you have feelings for them. It’s essential that you practice detachment and not respond to anger, putdowns, outrageous accusations, slander, or jealous provocations. Like children having a tantrum, once you give in and react, they believe they have the upper hand. However, if you’re persistent, in time, they’ll tire of not getting a reaction.

If you’re with a violent partner, you may be in harms’ way whether or not you react, because violent abusers don’t need an excuse to take out their rage on you. They may easily manufacture unfounded justifications. It’s better to confront abuse, set boundaries, and take steps to protect yourself.

Hidden Dangers

There is a hidden risk to this strategy that is not often mentioned, but I’ve witnessed it with clients who have practiced it living with a narcissist for some years. You risk losing connection to your feelings, wants, and needs. Like anyone walking on eggshells in a relationship, you’re suppressing your thoughts and feelings. By not expressing yourself, you become alienated from your real self. This can be traumatic. Beware that you don’t become depressed and withdraw in other relationships.

Being a gray rock requires you to suppress your natural needs for love, attention, love, companionship, empathy, sex, and affection. As you become more invisible, your behavior feeds codependency. Rather than become more assertive, you may be replaying dynamics from your childhood. It may be a re-traumatization of how you felt growing up if your needs and feelings were ignored. This tactic is based upon self-denial and self-sacrifice. It isn’t the best strategy to feel safe and get your needs met.

If you’re able to break up or divorce and go no contact, that is a far better option. If you’re unable to do that for emotional reasons, examine your vulnerability to getting drawn back in. Are you still hoping for love and commitment from this person? (See “How to Tell if a Narcissist Loves You.”) If so, deep yearnings will sabotage your gray rock performance. It’s better to work with a counselor on letting go.

Unless you’re living apart and unequivocally want to leave, this is a risky tactic to attempt long-term. It’s far better to set effective boundaries on bad behavior and learn strategies to get your needs met as described in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships. Then you can ascertain whether your relationship can improve or whether it’s best to leave.

©Darlene Lancer 2019


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3 months ago

I googled “why gray rock is bullshit for victims (of abuse or mistreatment) sometimes.” I was so relieved to read something confirming an advantage of not gray rocking that I never thought of.. “that it would play into on a some of childhood patterns or relationship adult patterns of my younger years being in my late 40s” (aside from the age is mentioned, I am roughly paraphrasing).

I always knew something was off about gray rocking being the only advice in certain situations. I mean, I suppose unless one is co-parenting, why put that much effort into doing nothing?

From my experience, gray rocking works until it doesn’t work anymore (AND it’s not like you haven’t tried low-contact by that point).

I’m relieved for once to read something that confirms my instincts. Because the old doormat me loved having an excuse to keep interacting with toxic people with some supposed great grey rock method.

The what you say, it is feeding too the old codependency patterns of being a pleaser in a sense, if you don’t mind me exaggerating what you said. Because that’s what I’m fed up with in myself and I needed the validation in this point of my life where I am just quietly discarding people that just didn’t even make half the effort as friends or lovers anymore while pretending to and putting in ONLY lip service

Say so
Say so
2 years ago

We don’t trust ourselves and ponder whether the problem lies with us or our partner.
Omg. how many times have I asked myself this.
it was me who was a religious psycho and terrified of abandonment. so I was the. number one suspect always when things went wrong.

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
2 years ago
Reply to  Say so

Absorbing lies about us starts in childhood. Read Freedom from Guilt and Conquering Shame.

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