Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships

$ 9.95

Buy a PDF here. Order a paperback from Amazon or Barnes & Noble or ask your local store to order it.  Get the audiobook version on GooglePlay. For Apple, Kobo, and other devices here.

The problem in relationships with narcissists is that they prioritize power and sacrifice the relationship to get it, while their partners prioritize the relationship and sacrifice themselves to keep it.

Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist is unique among voices that exhort leaving a narcissist. It is insightful, researched, and empathetic and offers hope and help for loved ones to restore their self-esteem and rebalance a narcissistic relationship. It includes Essential Tools for Staying and Leaving and provides an in-depth analysis of the relationship, how to make changes, and how to assess its prognosis.

This workbook is packed with healing exercises and checklists to enlighten and motivate you. It suggests lists of actions, including a strategic, step-by-step plan with scripts to confront abuse and get your needs met.

Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist will help you take back your power and independence. You will reclaim yourself and improve your relationship, whether the narcissist is your partner, parent, child, sibling, or co-worker, or doesn’t have a narcissistic personality disorder. In sum, you will have a better relationship with yourself and your loved one and be able to decide whether and how to leave the relationship. You will be able to:

  • Discover the diagnosis, type, and deep motivations of a narcissist
  • Recognize the red flags when dating a narcissist and know what to do
  • Identify narcissistic behavior and know how to handle it
  • Understand your role and attraction to a narcissist
  • Regain your autonomy and self-esteem
  • Rebalance the power in the relationship
  • Learn how to confront abuse effectively
  • Assess your relationship and whether to stay or leave
  • Prepare to leave

Read customer reviews on Amazon here


  1. Kathleen A. Viens

    What if the person denies it, because this person I’m with does and it’s hard to kick him out since it’s my house and he uses religion, too.

    • Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

      I’m not sure what he’s denying, but that’s a defensive tactic and should not sway your decision-making. Boundaries are for you, and the other person, especially a narcissist, may push back and not like them. If you use the steps and scripts in my book, you’ll see that their denial is irrelevant to what you need to say — so are their religious views.

  2. Esther G Williams

    Hello Darlene, I have been in a relationship with a Narcissists, and even though I have left the relationship 2 years, but I still would see him but would not have anymore intimate encounter with him, I still had cravings and longing to be with him I would resist and fight against those feelings. He tried to woo me back so many times, but I knew that if I came back it would be the same thing lying and cheating which never stopped. So I made up my mind this New Year 2023 I never want to go through another abusive relationship like that again. It’s been 2 years but am still having good days and bad days struggling. It’s like a Narcissists does something in your brain and your head where you can’t seem to get them out of your head, but am still Praying to God and detach myself completely away from him. I block all contacts with him, but he got his Neice and sister phone and contact me through it. And I answered thinking it’s them and it’s him. Thus is a New Year and I think I need to disconnect from them as well. I still need help at times. What do you suggest?

    • Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

      Do the exercises in my new book, Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Staying or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships, and study the section on hoovering, which is what your ex is doing. Also attend meetings or see a therapist for support.

  3. Pam

    Awesome!! I live with a NPD, We have been together for 3yrs and an alcoholic, now Im drinking heavaly and I am leaving him for good, what do i need to do to stay away from him for good? Thanks Pam.

    • Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

      Do the exercises and take the actions recommended in the book. Go to Al-Anon meetings. You need to detach, emotionally unbond, and get support.

  4. Susan

    Good quality.

  5. Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Author of Love Smacked and host of The Fix Podcast

    “Lancer has written an insightful and comprehensive book that is transformative for loved ones of narcissists. Like her books on shame and codependency, she remarkably breaks down deep psychological concepts into empathetic and practical strategies for anyone wanting to improve their relationship and/or decide whether to leave.”

  6. Beverly Engel, Author of Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don’t Deserve

    “I am extremely impressed with this book and highly recommend it to anyone who has a narcissist in their life. Lancer takes the courageous and enlightened perspective that even a relationship with a narcissist can be improved if you can gain sufficient understanding of them and yourself. Instead of demonizing narcissists, Lancer focuses on changing the relationship dynamics, offering hope and healing for anyone dealing with a narcissist.”

  7. Jean ‘Shayna’ Lester, LMFT, Prison Chaplain, Spiritual Director, Teacher of Ethics & Sacred Therapy

    “Lancer is not only a scholar of codependency and narcissism, she’s been a victim of narcissism and healed from it. I’m grateful for her expertise and personal wisdom and highly recommend her books to my clients.”

  8. Katherine Woodward Thomas, NYT Bestselling Author of Calling in “The One“

    “Darlene Lancer has created a “must have” manual for those who suffer from the nasty habit of getting into bed with a narcissist. This book will enlighten you about the subtle and seductive methods that have been used to reel you in, and will provide you with the concrete steps to make you narcissist-proof moving forward, liberating you to finally create the mutually loving relationship you long for.”

  9. Hackie Reitman, M.D.,

    “Darlene Lancer’s expertise on narcissism and its impact on relationships is unequalled. She understands the differences in our brains, and has insight that all could benefit from.”

  10. ~ Lisa A. Romano Life Coach and Bestselling Author of The Codependency Manifesto

    “Darlene Lancer’s book will help you regain your sense of self and restore your right to believe in yourself again. It will help you make sense of the nonsensical experiences you have experienced with someone you believe may have either been a narcissist or possessed high narcissistic traits.

  11. Randi Kreger, Author of Stop Walking on Eggshells

    “Darlene Lancer understands the DNA of people with narcissistic personality disorder, including their relationships. Her clinical credentials and personal experience make this a book that is not to be missed if you have a partner with NPD, whether you’re staying in the relationship or leaving.”

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