The Power of Personal Boundaries

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The Power of Personal BoundariesLove won’t last without personal boundaries. It’s easy to understand external boundaries as your bottom line. Think of rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow.

If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up.

Types of Boundaries

There are several areas where boundaries apply:

  1. Material boundaries determine whether you give or loan things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
  2. Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
  3. Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you open-mindedly to listen to someone else’s, without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
  4. Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
  5. Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
  6. Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God and a higher power.

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because: 1) They put others’ needs and feelings first; 2) They don’t know themselves; 3) They don’t feel they have rights; 4) They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship, and 5) They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. You didn’t learn you had rights or boundaries, if yours weren’t valued growing up. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “Stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a massage therapist to Stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “No,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and to not answer a question, the phone, or an email.

  • Think about all the situations where these rights apply.
  • Write how you feel and how you currently handle them.
  • How often do you say “Yes,” when you’d like to say, “No?”
  • Write want you want to happen.
  • List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them?
  • Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize me (or call, or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”

Internal Boundaries

Boundaries also are also internal. Internal boundaries regulate your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not assume responsibility for or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do, followed by violating others’ emotional boundaries with unwanted advice. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Guilt and Resentment

Anger is often a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Setting Effective boundaries

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging – “I’ve told you 100 times . . .,” you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out. If your boundary-setting isn’t helping you, read “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – You say “Yes,” to you, each time you say “No.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback. Read more on setting boundaries in Codependency for Dummies and my ebook, How to Speak Your Mind and Set Limits. and webinar, How to Be Assertive.

© Darlene Lancer 2013

 

The Power of Personal Boundaries by Darlene Lancer, MFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, CA, and author of Codependency for Dummies

 

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24 Comments
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Laurie
Laurie
7 years ago

Each time I read one of your blog posts or another page from Codependency for Dummies I learn so much about myself! Implementing things has been key for me! I’m seeing the benefits of re-learning healthy behaviors. More importantly, I’m regaining my happiness again! I can’t thank you enough Darlene!!!!

Christina
Christina
7 years ago

Thanks Darlene, I am trying to set boundaries in a codependent relationship I’m in. I’m realizing that I have made this woman my God and my days are filled with anxiety about this woman’s expectations. This woman helped my daughter and I at a desperate time – when I was going through a suicidal depression. Turns out the underlying cause of the depression was a vitamin D deficiency and now that I am on supplementation I am doing tons better, thank God. I have a lot to lose if this friendship/relationship ends, but it if continues the way it has… Read more »

Tammy
Tammy
8 years ago

this is an awesome read

Darlene Lancer, MFT
8 years ago
Reply to  Tammy

Thank you Tammy!

C. Barton
C. Barton
2 years ago

Thank you! So much of what you have said speaks to me. I consider my self high-functioning, educated, and professional, but am getting out of a miserable marriage with a passive aggressive person. Now that I am out, I see how unhealthy it was. I realize I was contributing to that unhealthy marriage for 12 years and clearly not setting a good example of a healthy relationship for my children. I am ready to make some changes so I don’t repeat that pattern. I feel like all of your advice is spot-on. Thanks for providing a big arrow in the… Read more »

Redbuck5
Redbuck5
3 years ago

First Boundary: she says she’ s in love with me but, I do not reciprocate the feelings so, I told her I didn’t want to know about it but she insists on telling me anyway. Second Boundary: I do not want to be on social media all day with her (which would be fine with her) so I limited time to 2 hours. She gets upset when I don’t want to “share” for more than 2 hours and then end and not resume conversation the next day. It feels as if she is obsessing about me and it does not… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
3 years ago
Reply to  Redbuck5

The problem is that there apparently are no consequences for your friends ignoring your behavior, which are explained in my webinar How to Be Assertive and ebook How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits. See my blog “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work.”

Denise
Denise
3 years ago

What do you do with someone who has no boundaries therefore doesn’t respect yours?

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
3 years ago
Reply to  Denise

You set boundaries, meaning it’s up to you to communicate your limits and rules, and other people will treat you accordingly. Read How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits and Watch How to Be Assertive.

Robert Sayles
Robert Sayles
4 years ago

Good article on boundaries. I had to read about boundaries before stting them because I didn’t know what they were or if I had a right to do that. Your the first one to mention boundaries with adult children that I have read. Boundaries have caused me more trouble with family, especially my wife & daughter. They have been angry at me but respect them more today. They are important to protect myself.

Jerry
Jerry
4 years ago

“There’s an art setting boundaries. It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries.
But when is it gonna start to work, I wonder.

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
4 years ago
Reply to  Jerry

I recommend reading “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work” and the ebook How to Speak Your Mind and webinar How to Be Assertive

Buddy
Buddy
5 years ago

Thank you Darlene this is crazy I am 63 years young and I have always lived my life for others I don’t feel deserving stems from childhood. After reading your article I think this would be a big step in helping me find out who and what I really am.

Darlene
Darlene
6 years ago

I’m glad you understand boundaries are necessary even with children. I’ll take this one step further and say boundaries are even more necessary as your children grow into adults.

I loved your first line because it told me you understand. “Love can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children. ”

Thank you Darlene

Jerry
Jerry
4 years ago

“There’s an art setting boundaries.
It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries.”
But when is it gonna work, I wonder.

Jerry
4 years ago
Reply to  Jerry

“There’s an art setting boundaries. It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries.
But when is it gonna start to work, I wonder.

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
4 years ago
Reply to  Jerry

I recommend reading “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work” and the ebook How to Speak Your Mind and webinar How to Be Assertive

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