Living with an Addict – Alcoholic

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Alcohol_desgracia RayNata 2008 wikiLiving with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we’ll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often becoming the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider; yet we’re unable to lean on our partner for comfort or support.

Meanwhile, we enable the addiction by rescuing him or her from disasters, medical emergencies, accidents, or jail and by making excuses for no-shows at work and family gatherings.

We patch up damaged property, relationships, and self-inflicted mishaps. We may also endure financial hardship, criminality, domestic violence, or infidelity due to the addict’s behavior.

We worry, feel angry, afraid, and alone. We hide our private lives from friends, co-workers, and even family to cover up the problems created by addiction or alcoholism. Our shame isn’t warranted; nonetheless, we feel responsible for the actions of the addict. Our self-esteem deteriorates from the addict’s lies, verbal abuse, and blame. Our sense of safety and trust erodes as our isolation and despair grow. My focus is on alcoholism, but many of the feelings partner’s experience are the same, regardless of the type of addiction.

Alcoholism is a Disease

Alcoholism is considered a disease. Like other addictions, it’s a compulsion that worsens over time. Alcoholics drink to ease their emotional pain and emptiness. Some try to control their drinking and may be able to stop for a while, but once alcohol dependency takes hold, most find it impossible to drink like non-alcoholics. When they try to curb their drinking, they eventually end up drinking more than they intend despite their best efforts not to. No matter what they say, they aren’t drinking because of you, nor because they’re immoral or lack willpower. They drink because they have a disease and an addiction. They deny this reality and rationalize or blame their drinking on anything or anyone else. Denial is the hallmark of addiction.

Diagnosing Alcohol Use Disorder

Drinking is considered an “Alcohol Use Disorder,” when there’s a pattern of use causing impairment or distress manifested by at least two of the following signs within a year, when the person:

    1. 1. Drinks alcohol in greater amounts or for a longer period than was intended
    1. 2. Has a persistent desire or has made failed attempts to reduce or control drinking
    1. 3. Spends great time in activities to obtain or use alcohol or to recover from its effects
    1. 4. Has a strong desire to drink alcohol
    1. 5. Fails to meet obligations at work, school, or home due to recurrent drinking
    1. 6. Drinks despite the recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or worsened as a result
    1. 7. Stops or reduces important activities due to drinking
    1. 8. Drinks when it’s physically hazardous to do so
    1. 9. Drinks despite a recurrent physical or psychological problem caused or worsened as a result
    1. 10. Has withdrawal symptoms from disuse, such as tremor, insomnia, nausea, anxiety, agitation
      11. Develops tolerance (needs increased amounts to achieve the desired effect)

A Family Disease

Alcoholism is “a family disease.” It’s said that at least five other people experience the effects of each drinker’s alcoholism, coined “secondhand drinking,” by Lisa Frederiksen. We try to control the situation, the drinking, and the alcoholic. If you live with an alcoholic, you’re affected most, and children severely suffer because of their vulnerability and lack of maturity, especially if their mother or both parents are addicts.

It’s painful to helplessly watch someone we love slowly destroy him or herself, our hopes and dreams, and our family. We feel frustrated and resentful from repeatedly believing the addict’s broken promises and from trying to control an uncontrollable situation. This is our denial. In time, we become as obsessed with the alcoholic as he or she is with alcohol. We may look for him or her in bars, count his or her drinks, pour out booze, or search for bottles. As it says in Al-Anon’s “Understanding Ourselves,” “All our thinking becomes directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the drinker to stop drinking.” Without help, our codependency follows the same downward trajectory of alcoholism.

There is hope, and there is help for the addict and for codependent family members. The first step is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and codependency. Many of the things we do to help an addict or alcoholic are counterproductive and actually can make things worse. Listen to the experience, strength, and hope of others in recovery. Al-Anon Family Groups can help. You will learn:

• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events*

Attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area or online. Read and do the exercises in my book, Codependency for Dummies.

©Darlene Lancer 2014
*Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

©Darlene Lancer 2014

 

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Frieda
Frieda
3 months ago

My has lived for drinking for 6 yrs. He has put us in poverty and we were homeless for a time. After raising kids for 14 yrs, I work but can’t make enough money to support a family. He’s shoplifts to drink. He’s gone through 4 jobs losing each to drinking. His sporadic income makes the difference in paying the rent. I don’t lie or cover what he is doing. Our friends know. We don’t have family nearby. Friends help with kids needs. I have cut everything out except bills, food and car. How do i get out? I make… Read more »

Darlene Lancer
Darlene Lancer
3 months ago
Reply to  Frieda

Do attend Al-Anon meetings and read Codependency for Dummies.

Helene
Helene
1 year ago

Problem with drinking is difficult, as every addict anyone who has this problem is very intelligent and knows how and when to do it. If they don’t want to stop, no one will make them. That’s why it’s so important to reach out for help. no one can do it on its own.

Erica
Erica
5 years ago

I am in a similar situation as a lot of these comments. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years and we have an (almost) one year old son together. Drinking was never his strong suit and his father is a severe alcoholic. It wasn’t until I was pregnant that his drinking became excessive (on weekdays, earlier in the afternoon, binge drinking) and he became rude and verbally abusive. Many times I planned to leave but never did hoping when I had the baby it would get better. It didn’t. I have kicked him out a few… Read more »

Linda
Linda
1 year ago

Helping someone with this issue is hard. And even more if you love him. I know that very well.

Erica
Erica
5 years ago

I am now back to living with my boyfriend and just got a place with him. The drinking is starting to get bad again and my son is turning one in just a week and a half. I am worried because it breaks my heart to have my son hear or see us fighting and I want a good life for him. I feel trapped because I cannot afford to live on my own financially and we just signed a lease. If I kick him out I cannot live here on my own. My son deserves the best life possible.… Read more »

Erica
Erica
5 years ago

I am in a similar situation as a lot of these comments. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years and we have an (almost) one year old son together. Drinking was never his strong suit and his father is a severe alcoholic. It wasn’t until I was pregnant that his drinking became excessive (on weekdays, earlier in the afternoon, binge drinking) and he became rude and verbally abusive. Many times I planned to leave but never did hoping when I had the baby it would get better. It didn’t. I have kicked him out a few… Read more »

Debbie
Debbie
5 years ago

I live with an alcohol, 6 years in. We have had a very toxic relationship. He has broken down my walls of trust and faith. I can’t rely on him financially, not that I need to, but his credit and finances are below unacceptable level. My problem is my reaction to his bad decisions. Monday might, yesterday, we had a horrible fight. I attacked him and broke things, he laughs and laughs at me when we argue about his drinking and his not coming home because he is to drunk to drive. This is not a responsible adult I am… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, MFT
5 years ago
Reply to  Debbie

Be sure to attend Al-Anon and learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency. Read Codependency for Dummies

Juli
Juli
6 years ago

Darlene and Mel, Thanks for your input! I appreciate the reality check and need to hear it more often because more sources have been telling me to stay and love him back to health. The problem may be insurmountable though because, like Mel described, my alcoholic was adopted and sexually abused my baby sitters and an adoptive uncle when he was 7-10. When he talks about it, he acts as though it was acceptably tolerable when the abuses happened because at least they happened gently, or without force or injury. I think he needs counseling because he’s shut down emotionally… Read more »

Kendall
Kendall
6 years ago
Reply to  Juli

Juli – it hurts my heart and gives me anxiety to read your comment. I am almost 2 years sober myself and just recently divorced an alcoholic and drug addict. It was a brief second marriage and like you mentioned…he had “potential”. Layer on a full blown Narcissist and you have a lethal combination. He said all the right things when he was sober but was a very unpleasant, hurtful and self absorbed when he wasn’t. I tried EVERYTHING, including leading the way with my own sobriety. How could I expect him to quit if I couldn’t. We went to… Read more »

kelli
kelli
6 years ago

This questions deals with guilt related to leaving an angry alcoholic spouse. My husband of 11 years is an alcoholic and has major anger issues. This is his 3rd marriage, each previous spouse left due to the anger and alcoholism. He is what they call a high functioning alcoholic, has a good job, pays his bills and is able to function fairly normally but is under the influence all the time at some level. He is extremely negative, going to days without saying anything positive and can be verbally abusive. He is disrespectful and often seems uncaring. He seems to… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, MFT
6 years ago
Reply to  kelli

All of your feelings are very typical of living with an alcoholic. Go to an Al-Anon meeting asap and keep going. Work on developing your self-esteem and assertiveness. Notice how you feel guilty asserting your own needs. My books and ebooks will be invaluable to you. Do the exercises and practice, practice, practice.

Mel
Mel
6 years ago

Hi Kelli 🙂 Both of my grandfathers were apparently alcoholics- and abusive to their wives.. alcoholics and people with other addictions use these things as ways to numb their inner pain because they were often never taught healthy ways of coping with problems, and I believe that for men it’s generally even more difficult dealing with things that hurt them- I believe that a big contributor of not healing or recovering from their inner pain is how society directly and indirectly discourages boys and men from expressing their natural emotions.. without providing knowledge of how important it is to express… Read more »

kelli
kelli
6 years ago
Reply to  kelli

This is a follow up to my November post. I did it, I left and although i seem to have different feelings every day I am better than I thought I would be. I was surprised to find his family supportive of me and in agreement that he has some work to do. Today I made the mistake of taking his call. After 43 voice mails that I did not listen to and a dozen red roses sent to my work I decided that i should at least talk to him. He sobbed and read a letter he wrote about… Read more »

Mel
Mel
6 years ago
Reply to  kelli

Congrats Kelli! That’s great to hear how you found courage to take a stand. I understand the Catch 22 situation where it’s like choosing between 2 options- and from my perspective both involve stress & loneliness to some extent, and there’s pro’s and con’s for either option; A) seeing the good in him, feeling that the only option is to ‘fix’ things, soothe some of the pain away or try to ‘make it better’.. and be doing this partly from guilt, partly feeling obligated (and partly because of love) OR B) Choosing to leave, then going thru the ‘adult tantrums’/resistance… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, MFT
6 years ago
Reply to  Mel

Thanks Mel, and congratulations to you for really making the effort to put to work the tools and suggestions in Codependency for Dummies. It’s true that each time you read it, you’ll glean more understanding, and doing the exercises and putting the tools to work allow you to reap the rewards. FYI there are online CoDA meetings, too, though attending one is always better. For others, Al-Anon is helpful.

kelli
kelli
6 years ago
Reply to  Mel

Thanks Mel.. I like reading your posts because they make me think. It has been a little over a week since I left and he says he has attended an AA “class’ at which he took notes about the things that he thinks will help him. He also said that obviously there are people who can’t find closure as they are still attending meeting after 25 years. He reminds me on a regular basis how miserable he is but has yet to inquire as to my well being, whether I need anything…and tells me how hard this is for him… Read more »

Lizzy
Lizzy
6 years ago
Reply to  kelli

OMG I could have written this-this is me. At the current moment, my husband I are getting along (he stills drinks all the time and is angry and rude beyond belief), but I want to leave and feel guilty about doing so. He has had a seizure and I feel like I will be abandoning him if he needs medical help. I am so over this marriage – I am 60 and want my own life. I am secretly making plans to leave and don’t know if that is the right way to do this.

Darlene Lancer, MFT
6 years ago
Reply to  Lizzy

I hope you’re attending Al-Anon meetings, which will help you focus on yourself. Do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies. Your guilt is typical for codependents. You’ve been sacrificing your needs your entire marriage, so it feels unnatural to do what you want if he doesn’t like it. See my blog on “Growing Through Divorce“, and therapy can help you let go.

Kendall
Kendall
6 years ago
Reply to  kelli

Your feelings are all part of the abusive pattern. Good, bad, ugly, false repair…it will never stop until he gets sober and that isn’t all the work he needs to do. The alcohol is just masking the underlying issues…his anger, disrespect, not loving himself. He has to get sober to work on those issues and if he doesn’t it will never happen. You didn’t get him to this state….you didn’t bring him here you can’t be held responsible for leaving him here. Read on detaching, letting go and you may identify with patterns of codependency….I let go and it saved… Read more »

Diane Dunklin
Diane Dunklin
6 years ago

I am concerned about my nephew’s drinking. He has been binge drinking for the last 4 years (he is 19 now). Nothing I say seems to get through to him…he doesn’t see the danger. Any suggestions?

Darlene Lancer, MFT
6 years ago
Reply to  Diane Dunklin

Follow the suggestions mentioned in the blog, and definitely go to Al-Anon to learn more about drinking and what to do. My book Codependency for Dummies can help you better understand the problem with self-help exercises.

Erica
Erica
5 years ago

I am now back to living with my boyfriend and just got a place with him. The drinking is starting to get bad again and my son is turning one in just a week and a half. I am worried because it breaks my heart to have my son hear or see us fighting and I want a good life for him. I feel trapped because I cannot afford to live on my own financially and we just signed a lease. If I kick him out I cannot live here on my own. My son deserves the best life possible.… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, MFT
5 years ago
Reply to  Erica

It’s essential that you attend Al-Anon meetings to learn how to relate to his drinking. Also do the exercises in Cedependency for Dummies. Many alcoholics get sober, but it takes support for you to stay strong and find the courage to set boundaries or leave if you decide to.

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