Making change in recovery confounded me. Growing up, I heard a variation of Aristotle’s adage, “Give me a child until he is 7, and I will show you the man.” At my first 12-step meeting, I received a glimmer of hope upon listening to people share how much they’d changed—yet, I wondered if I could.
Depression often signals a need for change, but changing isn’t easy, and transitions can be daunting, especially when we’re letting go of the old while facing an uncertain future. It’s natural to resist making change and usually focus on the risks and downsides before we can see the benefits. We fill the unknown with potential obstacles and negative projections, including anticipated failure. In truth, we’re mostly afraid of our own self-judgment.
There also is a sense of security in “the devil we know.” As creatures of habit, we often cling to familiar patterns, much like worn-out shoes that no longer provide support. Especially when we experience stress or adversity, we easily revert to our defensive habits, even if they no longer serve us. Fear can paralyze us, limiting our perspective and blinding us to alternative solutions, ultimately exposing us to greater harm.
However, nothing remains the same forever. Permanence is an illusion; change is inevitable. Life is in constant flux. We, too, are part of this ever-changing process. To grow and mature, we must adapt accordingly.
Often, pain signals that our lives are misaligned with our true Self, urging us to grow, change, heal, and pursue new opportunities. However, new doors won’t open until we close the old ones behind us. Change in recovery may require the wisdom to alter our plans and beliefs, the motivation to acquire new skills, and the grief to let go of relationships and dreams we hold dear.
Change marks growth but requires courage. As Maya Angelou wrote, “…without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.” Courage manifests in many forms. Most of us need support and guidance to navigate change, especially when the stakes feel high, unpredictable, and beyond our control. Much like the butterfly, a symbol of transformation, emerging from its cocoon, we have no prior conception of the healing and heights we can reach.
We may seek transformation, but living intentionally in alignment with our principles and objectives requires a conscious commitment. Recovery involves changing our attitudes and behaviors, accepting responsibility for our problems and our happiness, and initiating thoughtful action. This demands courage and honesty to examine ourselves, our behavior, painful emotions, and buried memories—particularly daunting when we have a shame-based view of ourselves, we’re afraid of uncovering and exposing our perceived inadequacies.
Building strength and confidence through this process can be difficult for codependents who have lived passively reacting to others or waiting for them to change. But when our pain outweighs our fear of change, we’re motivated to take the necessary steps to transform our lives. The Serenity Prayer offers valuable guidance for making change in recovery: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” While we may still have fear, this prayer encourages us to relinquish control and take action. By changing what we can—ourselves—our relationships improve.
Many of our patterns and coping mechanisms stem from growing up in a dysfunctional family, childhood trauma, or behaviors learned from parental figures. Embracing authenticity, setting boundaries, and assertively expressing our feelings, wants, and needs expose our vulnerability to shame or abandonment. We may have to emotionally and physically distance ourselves from friends and family who don’t support our strengths. All these steps require considerable courage and often the guidance and support of an experienced coach, sponsor, or therapist.
When we feel overwhelmed, in crisis, or discouraged, it takes courage to get through the day, adhere to our principles, and maintain self-care without succumbing to self-pity, self-destructive habits, or hopelessness. When we inevitably slip, it takes strength to pick ourselves up and make renewed effort once more. We need courage in the face of disappointment, crises, and problems. While troubles are unavoidable, how we handle them presents growth opportunities.
Change may be foreshadowed in our dreams or impulses. The heart is slower to adapt. Often inner conflict arises when we recognize a need to change and are willing but are still unable to align our will with our feelings and actions. Failed attempts are frustrating; our will avails us nothing. If we can let go, our unconscious evolves in response to our awareness of our powerlessness when greeted by patience and loving-kindness toward ourselves, not merely intellectually, but viscerally, in our body and feelings. Change occurs one day without much forethought. It happens through us, not directed by our ego or will.
A meditation practice supports change in recovery. Meditation cultivates patience, self-awareness, and equanimity. We’re better prepared to face an uncertain future and gain the ability to reflect on our choices before we act. Prayers for courage and guidance can be powerful. We can simply ask for the courage to act in accordance with our highest good, for our higher power to walk beside us and to guide our words and actions. While change may seem formidable, it’s more manageable with faith and support, ultimately offering us opportunities for profound growth.
© Darlene Lancer 2025