The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. It originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics. Research later revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. They found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, it’s likely that you’re codependent. Don’t feel discouraged if that includes you. You’re in the majority! Are you ready to find out if you have any codependency symptoms?
Most American families are dysfunctional, so that covers just about everyone. Researchers have found that codependent symptoms progress in stages and get worse if untreated, but the good news is that they are reversible. Here’s a list of symptoms of codependency, including six core symptoms. You needn’t have all of them to qualify as codependent.
Shame and Low Self-Esteem – Core Symptom
Not feeling that you’re good enough or comparing yourself to others is a sign of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a camouflage for really feeling unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Some of the things that go along with low self-esteem are guilt feelings and perfectionism. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself. You can see from the diagram that the core symptoms stem from shame. See my blogs on shame and codependency and perfectionism.
People-Pleasing
It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people. Learn more about people-pleasing.
Dysfunctional Boundaries – Core Symptom
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts, and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries between themselves and others. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Learn about personal boundaries.
Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and rigid ones.
Reactivity
A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. You might take things personally and get easily triggered. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and you don’t feel threatened by disagreements.
Caretaking
Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you might feel guilty if you don’t and give up yourself in the process. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice. For some codependents, their self-worth is dependent upon being needed. Learn the difference between healthy caregiving and codependent caretaking.
Control – Core Symptom
Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their lives. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos. But for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control in close relationships.
Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and caretaking stem from an effort to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents can be bossy and tell others what they should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
Dysfunctional Communication – Core Symptom
Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings, and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when we try to manipulate the other person because of our own fear.
Obsessions
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. Often, they try to decipher what someone else is thinking or feeling and why. This is caused by dependency on others and anxieties and fears about being rejected, due to shame. For the same reason, they can become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Read more on obsessions, codependency, and love addiction.
Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
Dependency – Core Symptom
Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves, and they’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, despite the fact that they can function on their own. Other codependents need to always be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped. Learn about the difference between codependency and interdependency.
Denial – Core Symptom
One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually, they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up to the fact that they have a problem.
Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often times, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
Problems with Intimacy
By this, I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction is often a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness. See my blog on The Dance of Intimacy.
Painful Emotions
Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety, guilt, and fear about:
- Being judged
- Being rejected or abandoned
- Making mistakes
- Being a failure
- Being close and feeling trapped
- Being alone
All of the symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.
There is help to recover from codependency and create change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a Twelve Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Do the exercises in my books, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and my ebooks, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits to build self-esteem and become more assertive.
©Darlene Lancer, MFT, 2012
Perhaps the best article ever written on co depends. “In fact, people-pleasing and caretaking stem from an effort to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents can be bossy and tell others what they should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.” Also a narcissist can easily from anger to fawn.
nowhere has this been fully understood.
Couldn’t agree more. Learning to live with one is hard work
Thank you for this post. this is the first clear article proving Me that I am very codependent. I am in an emotional and verbal abusive marriage, I have no drive to continue it except for that I have 3 little kids ages 5,3,1 and i can’t do it to my kids.. They like there father.
I keep on telling my therapist that I need to be reassured that my husband is the abusive one because he keeps on making me doubt myself. Also I tell her that I want her to validate me because I’m not getting any validation from anywhere. She says I’m codependent and I have to choose to give it to myself. Is she right? And what should I do?
Your therapist is right, but when abuse is unambiguous, it needs to be named as such. But therapy should help you identify how you feel and that can be your guide. What feels abusive to one person might not feel bad to someone else. Tune in to your experience vs. what I or anyone says. Trust your experience. See my blogs on abuse, including “Emotional Abuse: Beneath Your Radar?”
Honestly, because of your words on your website, I was studying for a psychology of substance abuse class, when I stumbled across your page… and I think I just found out that I am extremely co-dependent. Thank you!
How is it going now? Your comment is from six years ago. I’m feeling kind of similarly
Hello. My wife has a friendship that she said “was” one where it was codependent with a female friend she worked with for years. I was worried as I found their interaction to be warm and intimate and we were having disconnect issues ourselves sometime ago. She assures me that though unhealthy, it never detracted from us, and she’s honest. But, she insists it is better now as they talk at most every two weeks and has done her own internal work. Is this usually enough? What are the chances the codependent is naïve about their ability to deal with the situation objectively enough but not address it with the friend? Should I just let it be?
When someone strays, it’s an indication that intimacy or something is missing in the marriage. See my blog on “Your Intimacy Index,” and work to improve your marriage. If necessary, seek couples counseling.
I have been divorced for 14yrs now and need to get into a coda group but all I can find in my area IS ALANON. I am a codependent and alanon helps the spouses that have to learn how to live with an alcoholic and I don’t want to regress and talk about alcoholics as that just leaves me still stuck in my own healing.
Actually, that’s incorrect. AL-Anon is really about changing ourselves, building self-esteem, setting boundaries, learning to value and care for ourselves. Raise your concerns at a meeting, and you should get helpful feedback. You can also find CoDA phone meetings via a Google search.
Truthfully, I’d recommend Darlene’s books, A LOT of inner work (get in touch with your true feelings… HeartMath and meditation are great), and the cross your fingers on CODA. I went to three groups locally… NONE helpful. In fact, I was VERY disappointed in how all three were conducted, and what was actually covered. Specifically: a LOT of time with people venting, yet VERY little-to-no discussion on HOW TO actually heal, or even live more peacefully day-to-day. Point being: from my experience, you’re not missing a lot not having been to a CODA group. I’ve made FAR MORE progress using Darlene’s books on my own, along with energy ‘stuff’.
Thank you for your feedback about my books. People at meetings are encouraged to share “experience, strength and hope.” Al-Anon has been around about 30 years longer than CoDA, and the program is substantially the same. There are more meetings and more people there with experience in working the steps and the same principles of recovery. There are also Al-Anon meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics, which can be helpful if you’ve had an abusive or neglectful parent, even if he or she isn’t an alcoholic. Finally, there are many CoDA phone meetings everyday, you can find through a Google search, which may be better than those in your area.
Hi….I have been told by a therapist a few years ago that I am codependent. However, I have been divorced now for 3 years and not in the relationship with my then alcoholic husband. How do I know if I’m still codependent? I have not been in a relationship since, I have seen some changes in my self, but I fear that the codependent part of me is still lurking in the background. Would I be able to tell if I was codependent with my kids?
Codependency is a disorder of the Self that exists regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. Research showed that codependent symptoms persisted after the “co-alcoholic” left the marriage or the alcoholic got sober. Codependency manifests when we’re in relationships with others – the symptoms become more apparent, and may be there with your children, too. Read “Codependency for Dummies” and you’ll get a better understanding.
I took a codependent group once and that was all it took to keep going back for 10 years for therapy and counseling and what a difference it has made for my life
Hello. I am grateful for this information. I have come to believe that not only am I codependent, but also my partner. I have been getting help from a therapist lately and finally got up the courage to call the relationship off, at least for the time being, noting how unhealthy it was. However, I have been met with-I guess you could say panic and a bit of manipulation-from my longtime partner. It has been extremely hard keep the boundary lines.
It’s very hard to let go of a strong attachment – sometimes, even when it’s an abusive one. Endings can bring up many unresolved issues. You may benefit from my blogs on breakups and rejection, and my seminar, Breakup Recovery.
I have only recently become aware of the concept of codependency through a counselling session, and I think my counsellor has hit the nail on the head. I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a chronic severely depressed person who is sometime suicidal. He has been under psychiatrist treatment for the past 5 years, but his condition appears to be resistant to all forms of medication, and even ECT. I am essentially his carer, not girlfriend, and have given up all my needs for him, including sex. I feel I have no choice but to stay in the relationship. Am learning about codependency and hope the therapy can help.
Yes, therapy will help. Also, go to CoDA.org meetings and do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies. It explains the difference between caregiving and codependency caretaking.
adad
I injured myself last year, it left me week, less mobil at times, yet i still function quite well in the right environment. I’ve even written books. Yet my injury seemed to create an ‘opening’ for people that spend their time taking care of people because it gives them something to do. Nice to have supportive people, yet it’s gone way over the line when my mom has hired someone to keep constant watch over me. They r friendly, but i need space & variety in my life. My moms control talks energy out of my day, it actually prevents me from getting out, seeing different people, feeling relaxed & like my own person.She is convinced she is ‘helping’
You need to learn to set boundaries. I suggest my ebook, How to Speak Your Mind and the webinar How to be Assertive.
Have you talked about it, how you feel, with your mom? Not complaints, not sharp remarks, but an actual conversation where you can each know the other is being heard and understood. Can’t imagine less than a 20 minute focused conversation to tackle this, more likely an hour. Don’t let the conversation get distracted, keep it to the here and now.
Also, dealing with anyone, especially codependents, don’t ask them “not” to do something; rather ask for support being more independent. Work on a plan together, this way she isn’t rejected and the topic is open for further refinement.
Good advice, but I’d keep it short.
My mother is a recovering alcoholic and codependent like me.I try to fix what is wrong with someone to make them happy but it just makes me envy them more. I also push anyone away from me who tries to get close to me. I pushed my dad away for 2 years and my best friends away. I know I want to stop but I do not know where to start any suggestion?
You say you’re in recovery, so I hope that means that you’re in AA and CoDA or Al-Anon; if not begin attending multiple meetings, and begin psychotherapy to heal your past and change your thinking and behavior. Do the exercises in my books, and you’ll start to see changes.
hi..i had a relationship with a female N..the relationship was in her total control and i felt being ignored little by little..it was not fulfilling since as if i was waiting for my turn..i think i am codependent in someways since both of us fear abandonment..but i did try to balance and sad to say there are times that i had to lose my cool when i felt neglected or taken for granted..
You will find more blogs and articles on narcissism on my website. My ebook, “Dealing with a Narcissist” will help you immensely with your relationship.
Hi Darlene,
I stumbled on your blog and was drawn to the readings bc I feel I exhibit a mild form of codependency and obsession, mainly w/ dating troubles. I am only 24 and have yet to be involved in a serious relationship, however when meeting a guy, I find that I become attached very quickly and cant seem to get them off my mind even within the first week.This happens even with online dating and people I’ve never met in person. If they are attractive and possess qualities I like, I automatically want to take it further. I get anxious when thinking they will not text me back or that I like them more then they like me. How do I go about this?
Recovery from codependency is a process. I suggest going to http://www.coda.org meetings and doing the exercises in my books you can access online.
I recently broke up with my now-ex girlfriend and noticed now that I have traits of codependent behavior. She suffers from depression and for months I’ve been caring only for her wellbeing. I noticed that this was really bad for my mental health, but she was constantly telling me how great I am and it felt good to have someone praise me, even though she kept telling me to leave her. I felt trapped because at a certain point I just didn’t want to dissapoint her, as she said she’s afraid of abandonment, so I stayed despite the obvious pain it caused me. My dad is bipolar and disabled, I’m afraid I took the codependency trait after my mother?
Yes, some codependents’ identity is formed around caretaking. I suggest you learn more about it in my books and by attending http://www.coda.org meetings. If you want to change or have trouble leaving, you should consider therapy.
Hello, Darlene~ i just had a HORRIBLE MONTH experiencing helpless cry & almost having several anxiety attacks this week, blaming it all on “i think i dont love my boyfriend anymore, i should just break up with him”, but the truth is, the moments i calm down, i know i love him. And he is pretty great, he does everything he can to make me happy, but… i ALWAYS want more.So he asks me everytime “just what else do you want me to do?”. We live 3 hours apart and i cant help but DISECT our relationship during the weekdays when i dont see him and i create all kinds of unreal scenarios of what he/i are thinking, feeling, doing.. help, please!! 🙁
This is a very common pattern that has to do with your attachment style developed in childhood. It’s something to address in counseling.
Darlene, I just read your book Co Dependency for Dummies. My separated husband and I are co dependent. I asked him to leave 6 years ago for he was drinking far too much, was lying and cheating on me. I realize now he is a high functioning alcoholic. My mother was too. What is sad and what I struggle with, I still love him for his sweetness. He is an amazing father and grandfather. Very Generous of his time and money but not to me when it comes to my emotional needs. He helps me financially. I can tell he wants to be with family all the time I am around but this is where I struggle. My boundaries. HELP. What is right or wrong ?
As the saying goes, “Love is not enough.” I hope you’re going to Al-Anon. Sounds like you’re having trouble asserting your needs and boundaries. You may want to read, How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.
I have a 21 year old with a history of addiction. She had been improving her life after completing in-patient treatment but refused to follow a formal program. She got a full time job with a 6am to 3pm shift (her 1st FT job ever). She moved in with an older cousin. For 90 days she engaged with the family in a very positive way – better than what it was like for years. She lives out of state and we talked or texted several times per week. For 10 days she has cut off communication with me except for one word texts saying she is tired and busy and not in the mood to talk. I find myself obsessively checking her phone log. Codependent?
The diagnosis is not made based on one behavior, but a cluster of them. There are some quizzes in Codependency for Dummies you can take. Regardless, it would be extremely helpful if you went to Al-Anon to support you and your daughter at this time.
My mother was an orphan by 10 and desperately unhappy with my alcoholic father. It has now occurred to me my husband is a highly functioning alcoholic.
I see Co dependancy traits in myself. I’m terrified for my young daughters. I recently separated from my husband. Is there a way of going back and saving the marriage? Is there hope for me and my daughters if I do? I don’t want the cycle to continue. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
First off, go to Al-Anon. You’ll learn how to deal with your codependency and his Al-Anon. Also do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies. My ebook on Dealing with a Narcissist would also provide you ways to more effectively communicate with him.
Ive recently come to accept that i am codependent. I almost destroyed my marriage and lost my kids cause of it. i am now seeking therapy and a group so I dont destroy my family. I also know that there may come a time soon that it wont be good for them to be around me anymore. Thank you for this post. it helped me recognize issues.
I realize tonight I am very codependent. I’m involved with a man who is very much a narcissist. Small background, my mom was enabler and now I know codependent. My dad was a a narcissist as well. He was an alcoholic who wanted the world to believe our life was perfect and through all the physical abuse my mom made it appear that way. My husband has allowed his step son to steal from me and we all walk on egg shells around his kid it’s almost as if his kid is the parent to my husband. Anyway I’m glad the situation happened with his step son because it made me research and realize a lot. Now I got to try a help myself from this point further.
While I can surely admit to my share of issues in the dissolution of my marriage, I can say this with confidence.
To be married to someone who puts their parents and what they think ahead of you, their spouse, is a very hard thing. When she comes home every single day from work on the phone to her mother. When she always seeks her mother’s input before her husband’s. And so much more. Desperately seeking the approval and validation from her mom she so badly wants but can never get because her mom is incapable of giving it. And then to have issues where she rebels against her mom, like inability to help keep a clean home. What a mess.
I started dating a guy but he was not long come out of a relationship with a girl for near 10 years, I found out he had a codependency with his ex due to his verbally abusive relationship with his mother which resulted in him staying in a verbally abusive relationship with his ex therefore practically dating a mother figure which he found hard to let go of. He now knows the truth about the codependency through counselling which he will continue to seek. We had to end things between us a much as we both didn’t want to but he needs tIme to heal. Question: A. Will he let go of his attachment to her? B. Will he ever come back to me?
You’re asking what the future holds, which no one can tell. It depends on him and his feelings for you and why you broke up. To not end up like him – codependent on an ex – invest in your own life, therapy if necessary, and moving forward.
I need help.
I want more than anything for my relationship to work, but I think I am deeply trouble by how much it’s become more of a codependency and less a healthy relationship. She suffers from an eating disorder as well as social anxiety, which has been a trial of its own, but there was also a death in the family which has made it even harder. We have had our share of troubles in the relationship but I feel I cannot make a decision on anything without it being okay with her, otherwise she has a panic attack, blames herself, and we fight and both become a mess. I love her, but I am so drained and on the verge myself. What can I/we do?
You need to do some work on your codependency. Read and do the exercises in my books, go to CoDA meetings, and consider starting therapy. You need to learn to have boundaries, not take responsibility for her feelings, and to be assertive, rather than argue. At some point, you may want to insist that she get counseling.
Hi There I have a couple of questions.
I think I used to be very coo-dependent before but I see that alot of those patters are no longer present in my relationship as it is pretty healthy.
I did have at first trouble with expressing my feelings and I can see myself being alot of the things you listed before, but I dont see them now being in a relationship with someone being independent, but those that mean I am still dependent, can someone break those patterns by being in a healthy relationship?
Thank you
Yes, and good for you! See my blog on changing your attachment style.
I’ve been married for 18 years to my current husband & realize the relationship he & his daughter share is codependent & that they’re both getting something from it.
He excuses her behavior, & just recently I shared with him the many things she’s done to me behind his back.
What I’d like to see is for him to stand up to his daughter explaining he’s sorry for her hurt, & that I’m his wife & he loves me.
Any advice?
I recommend counseling for the two of you, so that you’re on the same page.
I only just realised last night that I have become co-dependent with my partner. Whenever he wants to stay up late or I have to sleep alone I get really anxious and I feel alone, last night he was asking why I can’t sleep alone, because he wanted to stay up and do work, and I was just so emotional. I never used to be like this, I’d always avoid relationships because I felt smothered and I liked being by myself, but I have become so attached to him and I feel like when he’s not there I am missing a part of me. I don’t know why I’ve become this way because I never thought I would depend on another person so much, Thanks for your advice.
There is a whole new world open to you when you begin recovery. Learn more about codependency in my books and do the exercises. You’ll start seeing changes. Also join http://www.coda.org meetings and get into counseling.
Dear Mrs. Darlene
I’ve got a little different a question, I hope you will not mind.
reading your article “How to Spot Manipulation”, as well as this article here, it crossed my mind a question: how this phenomenon is dangerous in politics? How a person who is prone to such behavior may be dangerous (or harmful) if it starts to become involved in politics? I have my (personal, amateur) opinion, but I am interested in your? And finally, have you thought (just an idea) to write a text on the subject?
Best regards and thank you!
Politics and commercial advertising are about persuasion, a form of manipulation, something that may be counterproductive in personal relationships.
I’m scared, I’m 36 & a new mother just discovering how deeply codependent my relationship with my Mom has become. There are a lot of positive aspects of our relationship & I believe genuine love, however I always get sucked into her chaos (illness/medical issues not alcohol/drugs). I now realize I can’t say no to people, I get used, I am a pleaser, no boundaries, essentially the list above. I am afraid of loosing the good parts of my relationship with her but DO NOT want to continue the pattern in front of my son. I am professional counseling but even she is baffled by how to handle my situation. Would Coda be a good option?
Thank you for writing. I’m surprised your therapist is baffled. Individuating from a parent is a common problem – you’re just a little late at it. Work on growing your self-esteem, becoming autonomous and assertive. CoDA is an excellent choice. This is an important for your parenting skill also, or you’ll pass on the same patterns.
I have been cheated on multiple times by my husband & one even involved a
family member. I thought I was over it but as I get older it seems that I
am handling it worse. He has done everything he could to fix the
situation. Everyone tells me what an amazing husband I have and he is very
attentive to me and a great father. They don’t know our past. I feel as
though I can never love like I can truly love because my body wont let me.
I was recently told I was codependant and that blew my mind. I feel lost,
scared and unsure and have no idea what my answer is. Do I stay, leave?
Do I walk away from a good man after 27 years?
No one can decide the right answer for you. Get some therapy and go to CoDA meeting. Learn all you can about codependency and build your self-esteem. Heal any shame you carry from your husband’s behavior. See my blog, to Maria Shriver and ‘Rebulding Trust.” The exercises in my books will help you, too.
I am 60 years old, and I finally understand. All these years I thought it was my dad, but I now realize that he was the only one, besides my grandmother, who showed me love. Your book Conquering Shame and Codependancy really opened my eyes to the fact that I was the scapegoat in my family which was my mother’s doing. You would think that I would have recognized it sooner, but I was shocked to realize it. This has taken its toll on me through the years with my attachment to narcissistic people. I carried around so much shame, and my purpose in life was to get approval from others. Getting to the core of the problem has helped so much.
There are so many things that are in the list that were happening when I was growing up. Thank you again for all of your insight 🙂 It makes the healing process possible after all of these years. I can’t wait to read your other books. I just can’t believe how many of the things on the list were actually present in my childhood.
I certainly respect your work, beliefs, and opinions, but I have learned in the past few years that if your spouse becomes an addict you will be labeled as “codependent” no matter what you do. I have had people who literally just met me say, “Oh, so you have codependency issues” when they find out who my husband was. It’s like the concept of codependency has become society’s way of excusing some of the addict’s behavior. Imagine a victim of domestic violence being diagnosed as co-abusive or a rape victim labeled as a co-rapist. I am not codependent for having been married to an addict. I was a casualty, not a participant or supporter.
Being married to an addict doesn’t make one codependent, nor does it excuse an addicts behavior. Codependency usually starts in childhood, and is defined by ones own behavior. Sometimes being married to an addict can bring out our worst traits, but not always. Ignore labels, and see if you find support and coping tips in Al-Anon. See my blog, Living with an Addict. It’s a real challenge. I’ve been there.
Dear Darlene,
I think your site might change my life. I have just ordered your book ‘Conquering Shame and Co-dependency.’ I am mid 40’s and for the last 12 years all my failed relationships have been with emotionally unavailable men, most either with a history of mental health problems or recovering/functioning alcoholics [like my father] The last one (after 18 months of being single recovering from a failed relationship) came on strong. As I had known him before (we were friends) I thought his familiarity was due to us knowing each other. Having also come out of a long term relationship, we were both hurting but wanted to build a future together (him more than me, he wanted to get married v soon etc). I fell for all of it, until after 3 months, I noticed his alcohol increasing, work commitments/ill health getting in the way of wanting to see me. Naturally I became v anxious. I told him of my anxiety, this was hard for me being a ‘people pleaser’ and sure enough being this vulnerable he still left me (never ended it, just stopped contacting me).
After months of telling me ‘we would get through this together’ and ‘we are long term not short term’ I find myself utterly devastated. A year on and I still cannot get over the lies and how convincing these men are and how I fell for it. So I have been googling why I attract men who will ultimately abandon me. Your book will help plus I am about to embark on therapy.
What your wonderful blog highlighted is about the ‘shame’ aspect of co-dependency. I am reeling from this. My ex also had OCD, so he only came to my house once telling me that it was ‘messy’ ordering cleaners and gardeners to keep it up together, demanding I keep ‘up to date with my ironing.’ I am a single parent with a young son and work full time, so my house is no different from any other with a family. But he seemed to be disgusted by me wanting to connect with him and controlling. He also stopped wanting to touch me, even a cuddle was too much ‘What again?’ if I asked for one. His last ex slept in separate bedrooms. I thought he would be different with me as he ‘loved me.’ Now all I am left with is no hope that I can trust another man again, I feel ashamed I am unable to be intimate with not only another man, but that I am somehow ‘dirty’. That’s how he made me feel, not worthy or human, but I cannot let go. I still love him.
It would be extremely helpful to you to go to Al-Anon meetings. If none are in your area, seek one online. Remember, we don’t choose whom we love, only whom we stay with. Follow me on Facebook for daily reminders and tips and my daily reader, Codependency Recovery Daily Reflections.
I have been there, in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable and then the relationship ended in silence. Pure abandonment, no visit, phone call, text, nothing. Similarly it took me 2 and a half years to move on but I realize now that I am better off. I don’t deserve to be with a person who treats me that way. And at the end of the day I love myself too much to allow anyone to cause me that much pain. I wish all the best of healing to you and anyone else going through a painful break up. It really is true that time heals all wounds. You just have to bite the bullet and feel the pain for what it is and then in time you’ll release it.
Thanks I will forever bite the bullet. I have read the books and now embarking on therapy to learn to live without a relationship again. This may sound defeatist but unfortunately like you I do not love myself enough to allow someone to cause me that much pain, therefore I will avoid another relationship altogether. The catastrophic pain these people leave behind is immense. I can’t even post here the pain they have caused me, so with that therapy will help me learn to never yearn for it again. It may be defeatist to be emotionally unavailable myself -I have to keep myself safe. Besides, who on earth would want someone who hates herself?
Your need of self-love and self-protection is understandable after being in an abusive relationship. Do not give up hope. There is the real possibility of having a healthy relationship. First have one with yourself. Do trauma therapy and the self-healing exercises in “Conquering Shame” to get over your undeserved self-hatred; otherwise, it won’t feel a lot better living with someone who hates you – yourself. Go to a 12-Step group – Al-Anon or Coda.
Am I co-dependent if I choose to stay married to my spouse of 18 years after he had an affair and gave me an STD?
Whether or not you are depends on a number of things. You can decide for yourself taking some quizzes in Chapter 4 of Codependency for Dummies. He may have given you the STD unwittingly and you must be outraged anyway. However, it would be worthwhile to go to couples counseling to uncover why he had the affair and to repair your marriage.
I’ll try to summarize the best I can. Met a man online 6 yrs ago on a popular dating site on the first day I signed up. Hit it off right away. He was incredibly attentive and took such good care of me. I was his world. Fast forward 6 years….he was unable to be emotionally intimate or verbally communicate. He was somewhat of a chameleon in that he became what he needed to be for a situation. We did things throughout the years that I thought he enjoyed, finding out later that he just did them for me. Overreacted when I showed even the most simple signs of independence, such as going out with friends. As the relationship went on more information his past came out. Married twice, has lived with around 9 women (he is 50) and with the exception of his marriages the longest relationship he had was around 2 years (and also with the exception of ours). He is a functioning alcoholic, has anxiety issues, tobacco abuse, and plays the victim role. He has no relationship with his mother or sister. The reason that I am contributing to this blog is that I have concerns about my participation in this. I think I am of average intelligence, and I will accept the fact that if I followed my instinct I would have never gotten into the relationship. But I did. And I stayed in it for six years. I tried to work on and encourage him to see the person I saw under all of the disfunction. It has been almost a year since I ended the relationship and I still miss him and love him. Why am I having such a hard time moving on with my life when I am so clearly able to see how unhealthy it was? This experience has allowed me to make better decisions and am not in another relationship yet because I don’t want to repeat the past. Do I have co-dependency issues also? I struggle with self esteem to the degree that most people do, I know I am not perfect, but I have positive attributes. So why am I still so emotional about the whole thing?
To answer your question, it would be useful to do the exercises in my book, Codependency for Dummies, which you’ll benefit from whether or not you’re codependent and attend some CoDA meetings.
Hello Darlene,
I have been married for 20 years and have just moved out two weeks ago. I confessed a “small” infidelity (kissed someone else) about 14 months ago and since then I’ve tried everything to prove I am sorry. My husband has a way of making me feel bad about any thoughts or beliefs that don’t mirror his. I feel he is controlling; my counselor thinks he is verbally abusive. I have given up every friend and hobby to try and prove he is important to me, but nothing seems to be enough. I felt so lost I moved out two weeks ago. Now he is begging me to come back and I’m not sure I can connect with him any longer. Your article describes many of his traits, but I am wondering if by not “fighting back” (I am a pretty passive person) if I am responsible for making him this way.
Thank you
We are never responsible for someone else’s behavior and can’t “make” them do things. He is an independent adult. We’re responsible to ourselves to protect ourselves and set boundaries or speak up about our feelings and needs. You may benefit from my ebook on setting boundaries.
Darlene,
My codependency has isolated me from everyone. I’m failing at school and it seems like I won’t get the job I want. I’m overweight and addicted to food. Every aspect of my life feels like it’s in shambles and I don’t have a job. Where do I start? I feel numb like you said. I’m just living.
Codependency can really destroy us. Start by doing the exercises in my books and attend a Codependency Anonymous – CoDA.org – meeting in your area. If there are none, do an online phone meeting or go to Al-Anon if there’s any alcoholism in a loved one.
Dear Darlene,
Thank-you for taking the time to create such a helpful website and to actually answer questions that are posted. This is my situation. I have been married to my husband for 11 years and in relationship with him for 17 years. We have a lot of fun together and share a good many interests, however, we cannot solve problems or resolve conflicts. Through the years our fighting has caused both of us to deeply question whether we should stay together- it is that destructive and toxic. We are now separated and living in different states. My husband is seeing a psychologist and has self identified as being passive-agressive, and has told me that I am co-dependent. I told him that I would explore that possibility-hence here I am. I definitely want to assume responsibility for what is mine, however I am having some difficulty discerning what really is mine and what he is projecting onto me given his own way of being, and perceptions. Is it best for me to completely focus on my own personal work, and not think about things in the context of the relationship or can this only be sorted out if we see a therapist together? He is in a graduate program and has very limited time to devote to our relationship. I feel discouraged and don’t know where to begin.
It’s surprising that in all this time you haven’t sought couples counseling. Definitely do so. Problem-solving requires skills usually learned in childhood, including assertive communication. See my ebook on How to Speak Your Mind and my blog, 24 Tips to Positive Conflict. These are skill you can learn and save your marriage!
I realized that I, and my mom, are codependent today. I knew there was something wrong with me and its so relieving to find out what.
I’ve only read a few of your blogs. You simply put have been blessed with a gift from God to be capable of getting this most valuable, needed information out to the world. Pretty easy to understand. I plan on implimenting into my life. I became aware that I am codependently addicted in 2003.
I wish my kids weren’t in denial. Instead they continue to blame and point fingers.
May God bless you richly for your work, and continue to strengthen you in recovery.
One Day At A Time! 🙂
Thank you very much Monica. If you like my blogs, you’ll surely benefit from my books. Not sure how old your children are, but unless they’re adults, denial isn’t an issue. They can learn by example and compassionate correction. When I took my kids to Alateen, they went in fighting with each other and came out in good moods with their self-esteem a bit higher. Read chapter 2 of Conquering Codependency and Shame about children and shame and how codependency starts.
Long story short, abandonment, abuse, and neglect. Emotionally unavailable mother and father and bullied as a kid. I am fully aware of my issues regarding codependency, toxic shame, avoidance of intimacy LOL the list is long. I used to run anytime the stagnation started and I had to feel my feelings, but i dont anymore, I sit and feel them and am quite uncomfortable. My question is, I am in the most healthy relationship of my life, he is his own person and knows ALL my issues and sticks by me no matter what. He gives me al the space for growth which I have been over the last few years painfully LOL. He doesn’t put any stipulations on me and I can just be I guess who I think I am? I really don’t know somedays this is all new for me. Is it possible to heal co-dependency with a loving and understanding partner, or is it something I need to do on my own. The pain somedays is unbearable and I wonder sometimes if it will get any easier.
His love is very healing, but you still have to change what goes on inside your head and heal your past trauma and shame. I suggest my book on shame and get individual therapy to work on your past. Awareness is only the beginning, but you definitely can heal.
“Darlene, all your articles are wonderful & so very helpful, but this one described me to a “T.” It’s almost frightening to see myself like this. I have your book and have skimmed through it (it looks very helpful), but I have to admit I have a hard time pulling myself away from the computer, finding so many interesting articles to read. Now that I have all this ‘head knowledge’, it is time for me to start implementing changes. I have been in steady counseling for 3 years, and have made great strides, but there is always another layer of hurt & pain to peel back. Sometimes that is hard to face. I will continue to read your book and your other articles as they are helping me to ‘see the light.’ Thank you for your caring service. Peace & healing is a wonderful thing, but it takes hard work to get there!”
Thanks Sue. Change is difficult, indeed! But we reap small rewards along the path.
HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE A CO-DEPENDENT FROM A NARCISSIST
THANK YOU
Although most narcissists are codependents, the reverse isn’t true. See the symptoms of narcissism in my blog, Do You Love a Narcissist?
This is what I noticed. As I read this great blog you wrote, as I consider myself codependent, it seems like my narcissist husband has all these qualities as well. If they heal their codependencies, can they become a less toxic person?
It’s true that narcissists are codependent, too; however, NPD as a personality disorder, requires intensive long-term treatment. The main reason is that their brains don’t compute empathy in most situations and their defenses, which are difficult to overcome, are disagreeable. Instead, work on changing yourself and that can reduce his aggressive behavior. Get Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.
There’s a cruelty factor with narcissist that you don’t find in other people, including people who are codependent. That to me is the huge differentiating factor between narcissist and anybody else. You can say something that has nothing to do with anything triggering that you could ever possibly imagine, and they will snap your head off and act like you said something horrifically evil to them and it’s like a huge slap to the face and you’re so stunned that you don’t even know what’s at them off. Over time, they do this enough times, you start walking on eggshells and start worrying about anything that you say setting them off. You won’t find that with people who are basically codependent and don’t have the traits that would make them diagnosable with NPD. If you’ve been with a narcissist long enough you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a horrible life to live when you have nothing but narcissist in your life surrounding you in each new person you meet ends up being yet another one. I hope you can break free from these types.