If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of being unable to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses or are just inept in talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance. You end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected. More women complain about emotional unavailability than men, yet are unaware that they’re emotionally unavailable, too.
Getting hooked on someone unavailable (think Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw) disguises your problem, keeping you in denial of your own unavailability.
There are several types of unavailability – both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness and/or a troubled childhood. Others temporarily make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, project, or health concern. People recently divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone new. In the middle, are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love because they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often these different reasons for unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass.
If you’re looking for a close, committed relationship, a person living in another state, or who is married or still in love with someone else is not going to be there for you. Similarly, addicts, including workaholics, are unavailable because their addiction is the priority and it controls them. Still, some people give the appearance of availability and speak openly about their feelings and their past. You don’t realize until you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to really connect emotionally or make a commitment.
Here’s a list of more subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to both genders. Following them are questions to ask yourself to find out whether you’re ready for a committed relationship.
1. Flirting with flattery. People who are too flattering. Like snake charmers, these wooers may also be adept listeners and communicators. Often good at short-term intimacy, some allure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.
2. Control. Someone who won’t be inconvenienced to modify his or her routine. Typically, commitment phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.
3. Listen. Your date may hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationships or doesn’t believe in or isn’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.
4. The Past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.
5. Perfection Seekers. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.
6. Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.
7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.
8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.
9. Invasiveness or Evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.
10. Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest.
Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery.
Be honest with yourself about your own availability.
1. Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do you like jokes at their expense? If so, you may need to heal from past wounds before you’re comfortable getting close to someone.
2. Do you make excuses to avoid getting together?
3. Do you think you’re so independent you don’t need anyone?
4. Do you fear falling in love because you may get hurt?
5. Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Although people complain about their problems, many have even more difficulty accepting the good.
6. Are you distrustful? Maybe you’ve been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.
7. Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions?
8. Are you uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets you’re ashamed of that make you feel undesirable or unlovable?
9. Do you usually like to keep your options open in case someone better comes along?
10. Do you fear a relationship may place too many expectations on you, that you’d give up your independence or lose your autonomy?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, counseling can help you heal in order to risk getting close. If you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her to be more intimate is counterproductive. (See “The Dance of Intimacy.“) You may be involved with a narcissist, because typically narcissists avoid emotional vulnerability. (Learn more in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.) However, marriage or couples counseling can change the relationship dynamics and help you to have a more fulfilling intimate relationship.
Copyright, Darlene Lancer 2012
10 Tips to Spot Emotional Unavailability by Darlene Lancer, MFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, CA, and author of Codependency for Dummies
It’s nothing new for younger men to be attracted to me. But what’s new is that I was attracted back. He pursued me, I allowed myself to fall in love with him and then he went cold. Just this morning I realized why I can’t let go…I’m not used to being rejected. I don’t know how to deal with it.
How do I make myself understand that this man really doesn’t want me? When I look at the facts I can see that he doesn’t want me in his life. But my heart or ego or something can’t accept that a man doesn’t want me.
How do people do this? How do they accept reality, stop feeling, stop trying to recover what’s lost? Unfortunately, even though I’d like to, I can’t ignore his existence as we’re both deeply entrenched in the same social circle…it’s not an option to withdraw from the social circle.
You ask a great question. Seek some therapy to get to the root of the attraction. It’s like stemming from some unfulfilled need in childhood. Let your feelings (write about them) remind you of emotional themes from your past. Do the exercises in my blog, “Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child.” Join CoDA.org to help you let go.
This article describes my last relationship with this 27 year old girl very well. I’m a man and I’m 29. When we met I was very drawn to her due to her overly confident persona, intelligence, crude sense of humor, and our similar and specific interests. She was definitely a charmer.
I could tell right away that something was off. It always seemed like her mind was somewhere else, and she shrugged off any conversations about emotions or intimacy. Well, it all made sense when she told me she lost her parents when she was young. It was supposed to be a “casual” relationship from the start, but it still saddens me to wonder what could have been.
Hi,
I am 45 female and I have been actively dating for over a year after my divorce, and for the first time I met this type of men. I was so confused with ‘blowing hot-cold’ and sudden distance after getting closer that I questioned myself, ‘what have I done’ and similar, I found this article in the search for answers. The last man I was interested for about 4-5 months kept me at arms length and I felt like I am competing with a ghost from the past; he had one very long relationship and although it has been a few years since the breakup I suppose he never recovered and went through the healing process.
I have learned to look after myself now
I recognize myself in number 9 and 10. What can I do to become emotionally available? I am 35 years old and have been attracting only men that are narcissists or emotionally unavailable.
See “The Dance of Intimacy” and “How to Change Your Attachment Style.” Change may be hard without therapy. It would be helpful to attend CoDA also and read >Conquering Shame and Codependency.
I am definitely emotionally unavailable and many of these apply to me sadly. Especially the part about feeling like a relationship is too much of a responsibility and that it will interfere with my sense of freedom and autonomy. I have told many guys I have dated that I am not ready for the responsibility of a relationship right now. I have been told a few times that I need to see a counselor. Maybe I will take heed to the advice.
We met 13 yrs ago & dated for a few mnths. She was getting out of a bad 13 yr marriage.She went into a 7 yr unloving relationship before we came back tgther 3 yrs ago.The first time we got back tgther it was incredible for 6 mnths until it got too real & I “smothered” her. I spent 6 months workng hard on me & this past Nov she came back…For 10 months this time then it got too real again.She broke it off July 4th.I asked when will she stop running?? she projected back on me that I didn’t allow her to be her.Shes a horrible workaholic.I don’t want to blame but I just don’t knw what to do.I love her very much.i cant help her. I just miss her.
It’s up to her to be herself. That’s what she’s afraid of. Read my posts on breakups. I suggest you listen to my seminar on Breakup Recovery.
This is me. I am emotionally unavailable, I hide behind my work. So I am a workaholic. This is to hide a lot of hurt. From parents, from partners, from friends. I realise I have also fallen in love with emotionally unavailable people, and expected from them what they could not give. And if someone came ready to give, I ran away.
Hello Darlene, just read your nice article which reminds me my last romantic experience.
4 Years ago, she (27) lost her companion tragically and I guess she never really stopped mourning him.
I’ve struggled for 4 months, trying to understand the distance this girl was putting between us. Some moments were amazing and intense, and she said she felt really connected, and relieved, but the rest seemed… off. I tried to understand her and let her space. But we broke up last week, because she needed some time alone. I feel like this couldn’t have been different, no matter what I do. I guess sometimes there’s just nothing you can do.
It’s true that there was nothing you can do. We can’t force or manipulate someone to love or stay with us. See my blogs on breakups and listen to the Breakup Recovery Seminar.
It’s true that there was nothing you can do. We can’t force or manipulate someone to love or stay with us. See my blogs on breakups and listen to the >Breakup Recovery Seminar.
What I gather from this, as a person that has equal parts emotional unavailability and availability, is that it’s foolhardy to make an attempt at working with someone we believe to fit these stereotypes or paradigms; however, that counseling can be implored to help make it better. This is confusing double-talk because we can inherently find reasons not to work through our problems. So, when should a person feel inclined to not communicate there observations. I think it’s worth it to mention that openness and communication should be engaged first before the psych assessments. People will always see what they want to see and ignore all else.
Thank you for pointing our an apparent contradiction. I agree openness and communication should be the first choice, but often it requires a therapeutic setting for optimal results, because partners keep getting triggered by the same issues that are causing pain in the relationship. Although certain people, such as addicts and those with mental illness, are more resistant to change, the relationship can improve in major ways when the other partner stops doing things that worsen conflict. Very often when one person changes, so does the other, even if not in therapy. For instance, an addict may take responsibility for their addiction and get help, changing the relationship for the better. A partner of a narcissist can learn how to deal with a narcissist, set boundaries and effectively get more of their needs met.
Thanks Darlene ! It is nice to be able to put a finger on exactly what has been bothering me in my most recent relationship here. I did not see his emotional unavailability because it was very subtle, but there. We became a committed couple but somehow instead of seeing a deepening of relationship in terms of our conversations, spending time together, I sense an emotional distance but do not know how to approach this conversation without seeming demanding or making him feel defensive. He’s not a bad guy but I want him to spend time with me because he wants to, and at same time my emotional needs feel neglected. Catch 22? any suggestions.
Just to add to above. I also have a lot of struggles with ‘am I not enough for him’ and not sure if things will always be this way. I told him once but he seems to be in denial and wants to go ahead with us marrying. Yet it feels awful that he doesn’t show a lot of affection or a healthy need to want to spend regular time with me as a couple. Am not sure if I am asking for too much here. Thanks for listening!
Marriage is a big step. Trust your feelings and needs, which you apparently discount as asking too much. Get some therapy and you can insist on premarital counseling if you’re unsure about getting married or leaving. Thinks won’t get better after the marriage, and may deteriorate. Get counseling for yourself to value yourself and assert your needs. My books and CoDA meetings can help, too. My ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist, may be helpful in structuring confrontations with your partner.
Yes, I will need to learn what my needs are and how to articulate the same. I do trust him but he needs to open up more. Also, I used to be emotionally unavailable myself and recently going through a job-related transition that is making me insecure. So allowing myself to be vulnerable and share my deep-seated job fears with another person is a big step for me. I try not to rely on him too much and yet feel the need to develop an emotional bonding. I suppose both of us need to work on each other and how to function together as a couple. And we need to work this part out first before marrying as a next step. Really appreciate your blog.
I´m emotionally unavailable too.But the test put me high at also anxious attachment. I do have traumas from childhood etc but can not afford therapy. I’ve never had a real relationship (am late 40’s) Met a man and we formed a wonderful friendship, he made me feel safe and wanted even though he said he does not want attachment due to previous bad experiences. Strong attraction. He opens up to me, is caring etc. It was long distance but we spent time together. I felt him distance somewhat after some months I start to get fearful. Then we get close again after that he dumps me. I blame myself, we connected so strongly. Can I help him or heal me?
I always start off very attached to a relationship (both romantic and platonic) but after a year or two tend to get very dismissive of them and move on to new people. I’ve had long relationships before (5 years) but I look back and realize I wasn’t happy in them. I can’t decide if I’m too independent or too dependent, and I thrive on compliments but then feel like I don’t deserve them. I feel like I’m the emotionally unavailable one and I don’t know how to open up. I feel so close with my boyfriend now, but I can feel myself getting detached, noticing his flaws, resenting certain things about him. How can I save this relationship?
It’s very courageous of you to admit this about yourself. If you don’t feel like you deserve compliments you seem to require, then it sounds clearly like you have issues of shame and self-esteem. This will affect your ability to have satisfying relationships as explained in my blogs and Conquering Shame and Codependency.. It’s important that you get therapy to heal trauma from your past. The critic in you is finding fault with him before he does with you! All explained in my book with steps how to heal.
Darlene: I have been w/ my husband for 10 years, cohabitating for 9, and married for 6. We were so strong as a couple, but about 4 years ago he became emotionally & physically unavailable. He never gave me compliments, was often too distracted to listen to me, and we rarely had sex. I ended up having an affair. With therapy and lots of hard work, though, we saved our marriage, and were very connected for a long time. Now, however, his old behaviors are back. I have some health issues and he is so helpful and supportive about those, and he also shows love through “acts of service.” But I need more. It’s breaking my heart. Any advice?
I’m with a guy who’s this automatically but he doesn’t date around once we took off the labels he started too hang out more..and act more like a bf which was odd too me till i read all of this. He said he was Emotionally un attached from the start. and he breaks up with most girls…which i find rare i’m still around.. But he does talk of past marriage, and past gfs, a lot….idk if i should stop or continue? i know at any time it can just stop i just wana know what you think
Hi, I have just met a guy on a dating site (it has been just on 5-weeks), we have still not met, but do chat on Whatsapp and phone each other now and again. My fear and insecurities rear their ugly heads as he is slightly evasive, though not emotionally so, he sends me beautiful messages and songs but I am not sure where I stand with him and when I ask he keeps telling me that he wants me in his life.
He is a single dad of a 21-year old daughter (he raised her), sucessful business owner and is 2.5 years younger than what I am.
HELP, do I give this a chance and wait or walk away! I don’t want regrets at the end of the day!
If a man is available and wants a relationship with you, he will meet you. You’re feeling insecure because of his evasive, unavailable behavior. Take care of yourself. I would read Codependency for Dummies.
Hi, I have just met a guy on a dating site (it has been just on 5-weeks), we have still not met, but do chat on Whatsapp and phone each other now and again. My fear and insecurities rear their ugly heads as he is slightly evasive, though not emotionally so, he sends me beautiful messages and songs but I am not sure where I stand with him and when I ask he keeps telling me that he wants me in his life.
He is a single dad of a 21-year old daughter (he raised her), sucessful business owner and is 2.5 years younger than what I am.
HELP, do I give this a chance and wait or walk away! I don’t want regrets at the end of the day!
My husband is a combat veteran, Vietnam, and we are having difficulty – we are only 1.5 years married, but it’s been one heck of a ride. He’s emotionally unavailable…in a big way. Things have changed dramatically since we got married, and we need to get to the root of the issue! He doesn’t tell me he loves me, he doesn’t even want to have sex. He spends most of his time watching TV when he is with me, or talking to our pets. It’s as if I don’t even exist. Prior to our marriage we did things, we went places. He doesn’t care if I am ill. He won’t let me look at his finances, even his birthday is different. It’s odd…really odd.
Your marriage won’t improve if you don’t take immediate action. insist on getting marriage counseling. If he refuses, go yourself.
I want her to be happy but she loves me. I’m committed to her but don’t feel the same love I once had for my ex.. I hate it. I wish I could love her the same.. she is a great girl and I hate myslef for feeling the way I do… she deserves so much better than me but neither she or I believe in divorce…
It would be useful to get counseling to overcome your regret and guilt and be able to appreciate the love you have rather than the love you lost. See also my e-workbook, Freedom from Guilt and Shame – Finding Self-Forgiveness
I dated a girl for 4 years and truly fell in love. The relationship ended because I realized she was talking to another man. She claims she wasn’t cheating but she did admit she was interested in him and is now married to him. I already had a ring picked out and I was going to ask her to marry me on her birthday, needless to say that never happened. For 4 more years I stayed away from relationships until I met my wife… only this is I’m still emotionally unavailable. I still hurt very much from that relationship and feel as if I have done a horrible thing to my wife by getting married. I’m always hurting her emotionally, but not intentional
Sorry , I knw the feeling I stoped dating with my Ex 5 years ago but I still date him by ma heart .Never say a thing to him but yoiii I A
am deadly in love with him
Attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) or CoDA can help you. It sounds like therapy would also be helpful. No contact or checking on social media is the best way, while getting support to deal with your feelings. Read Conquering Shame and Codependency
I’ve been in a relationship someone emotionally unavailable 1.5 years now. After a past abusive relationship I was content to have a long distance relationship with this woman and having our time together only on the weekends. She said I love you almost immediately, and via text message at that. She told me that in 4 of her last 5 relationships she just “fell in love with someone else” when all was fine in the relationships and of course, said falling in love ended the relationships. If we have a problem I’m aware that she may find someone new and so I keep all to myself. I’ve now adopted her emotional unavailability and feel alone.
Hi, I have enjoyed seeing all of the different insights on this subject. I grew up having everything I needed, and some of what I wanted. My parents were great providers,but terrible at providing love. we are a very emotionally distant family. Most suffer with depression. My father and I are not great friends, due to the fact that he cant control me anymore. He doesnt like anything that makes his feelings change or pull heart strings, he avoids it at all cost. I am in a long reltationship of almost 6 years,I have been in several longterm relationships,and have all ended due to me falling out of love, finding that there was something missing
Add me to the list. I too, fell for an emotionally unavailable guy and eventually realized it after I could feel the pain in my chest of the heartache I knew was coming. What I didn’t realize is that I was just as emotionally unavailable. Ahh, the beauty of hindsight. We were really into each other but too scared to fall too deeply so we kept each other at a safe distance. When one started to pull away a little, the other would pull away a little more until we both grew so distance that we stopped communicating completely. There was no big fight that ended it, we just silently drifted apart out of fear of getting hurt. How sad:(
I’ve recently realized that I am emotionally unavailable and have an avoidant attachment style. Can you recommend any reading to help me grow beyond these characteristics?
I can recommend my blog, “The Dance of Intimacy” and book Conquering Shame and Codependency; however, practicing intimacy is required and therapy is ideal for that.
I just dated a woman for 2 years. I twas long distance but we spent many months together, and while she really liked me, she was so scared she may have to move away from her mother, that she never could commit fully to me and was always read to pull back in a seconds notice.
I fell in love with the woman and her family, and kept sticking with her, until I eventually reached the point where we had a fight, she said “I want to push you away” and I literally blew up and walked away. Its 8 months, I still miss her and want her, but go back to what? A girl who doesn’t give me what I need? but gets mad if I ask her? Not talking sex here.
I just dated a woman for 2 years. I twas long distance but we spent many months together, and while she really liked me, she was so scared she may have to move away from her mother, that she never could commit fully to me and was always read to pull back in a seconds notice.
I fell in love with the woman and her family, and kept sticking with her, until I eventually reached the point where we had a fight, she said “I want to push you away” and I literally blew up and walked away. Its 8 months, I still miss her and want her, but go back to what? A girl who doesn’t give me what I need? but gets mad if I ask her? Not talking sex here.
i am so relieved to read your article. it is accurately describing my nature. i
i hurt a very good guy and realised it is my own fault that i am using lame excuses and tactics to avoid getting serious about men. i dont believe that
i am made for relationships. and i have each criteria of emmotional unavailableness you mentioned. my best friends call me so since 7 years.
i am so relieved to read your article. it is accurately describing my nature. i
i hurt a very good guy and realised it is my own fault that i am using lame excuses and tactics to avoid getting serious about men. i dont believe that
i am made for relationships. and i have each criteria of emmotional unavailableness you mentioned. my best friends call me so since 7 years.
I found out that my husband has been cheating on me (online) for more than a month, just last week when i got no internet at home. i am in the Philippines and he’s in uk. i know we’re so apart but is it not enough reason to cheat? he was flirting and doing stuff with girls online. he deleted all the things i could see and he didn’t intend to tell me about it but i still found it out. when i asked him to confess, he said he’s not cheating. then he admitted some things but not everything so it wouldn’t make it more worse. he’s the kind of guy who will never admit a thing till he’s cornered with proofs. i was 7 months pregnant and i’m worried a
Trust in a relationship is essential and very fragile. You need a honest conversation and mutual agreement about boundaries and expectations. Often the cover-up is worse than the crime. See my blog posts on “Secrets and Lies: The Damage of Deception” and “Rebuilding Trust.”
I am left reeling after a brief but intense relationship with a 53-yr-old man who has never married. He tried to tell me on the first date that he doesn’t commit, but even at the age of 51, I thought, especially given the way he seemed to be so incredibly into me, and the intensity of the attraction, I might be the one that “got him over it.” He blindsided me after a romantic weekend, telling me he likes things to feel perfect, and it just wasn’t with me. When I asked him why he behaved so affectionately even though he felt that way, he basically said: That’s easy for me. Ah, the pain.
I was married for 22 years to an emotionally unavailable man, but I didn’t realize that’s what it was. After he had an affair, I really struggled with not being the “perfect woman” and what it was that I was doing wrong. I am now in the process of divorce, a point that took me 2 1/2 years to get the courage to reach. It took losing my father to realize I was losing the one man that had always been there for me my entire life, even when I didn’t necessarily need him. Yet, I was married for 20 years (at that time) to a man that NEVER was. I fought like hell to keep my family together, but I never had a partner in that fight.
My heartfelt sympathy. Please see my blogs on self-love, divorce and infidelity. It’s never too late to grow in self-acceptance and compassion.
I guess I should clarify that there have been many signs and behaviors over the last 22 years that I ignored and made excuses for. We were also legally separated twice, several years before the affair. Both times, I was pregnant with our two youngest children. He blamed me for the problems we were having, but couldn’t quite define what I was doing wrong. Even when our daughters had 3 major surgeries between them, in a hospital over 100 miles away, where we were 24/7 for 7-11 days, he couldn’t be bothered to be there. Those were the big events. 8 out of your 10 tips for spotting the unavailability run rampant in the last 22 years.
Wow i just loved this. It describes my situation perfectly. I love studying people and love to make sense of their behaviours due to their past. so it’s strange that i got myself into a situation like this in the first place. i was perhaps a bit blinded by love. i was very hard on myself after we broke up and he found some silly reason to dump me. i really beat myself up. i put myself down because i felt if only i connected on a deeper level or made him connect on a deeper level or made him open up more, or maybe if i let the boundaries go and i was exactly what I knew he wanted then i would still be with the man i love unconditionally. It took me a long time to realize this was not an ideal mature relationship and this is not my fault. yes we all have faults and i know mine, but I mean he was unable to connect and be emotionally available to me. So i could be the perfect girlfriend – one i knew he wanted – but in the end i would have exhausted myself and he would still have found some silly reason to dump me. he is now in a new relationship – 3days after we slept together (how silly was I?) and almost reconciled. he said he wasn’t ready for another relationship after me and I told him i can’t trust him after what happened and viola! next moment in a relationship on facebook. i was broken and couldn’t make sense of this at all. they seem like the perfect match and I even heard they are exactly alike and a month in the relationship went on holiday together and came back even more inlove. but after reading your blog, i realized something. i shouldn’t care anymore, what happens between them is their story. point is we did not connect as a couple was suppose to and therefore i am better of without him. I can’t wait for the day I enter as a whole person (im still healing, but time is getting me there) into a mutually emotional available MATURE relationship :). when im good and ready. because that would def triumph over this one by far.
thanks for this. i’m finally able to make sense of it and let it go. and i also now know what signs to look out for.
Wow i just loved this. It describes my situation perfectly. I love studying people and love to make sense of their behaviours due to their past. so it’s strange that i got myself into a situation like this in the first place. i was perhaps a bit blinded by love. i was very hard on myself after we broke up and he found some silly reason to dump me. i really beat myself up. i put myself down because i felt if only i connected on a deeper level or made him connect on a deeper level or made him open up more, or maybe if i let the boundaries go and i was exactly what I knew he wanted then i would still be with the man i love unconditionally. It took me a long time to realize this was not an ideal mature relationship and this is not my fault. yes we all have faults and i know mine, but I mean he was unable to connect and be emotionally available to me. So i could be the perfect girlfriend – one i knew he wanted – but in the end i would have exhausted myself and he would still have found some silly reason to dump me. he is now in a new relationship – 3days after we slept together (how silly was I?) and almost reconciled. he said he wasn’t ready for another relationship after me and I told him i can’t trust him after what happened and viola! next moment in a relationship on facebook. i was broken and couldn’t make sense of this at all. they seem like the perfect match and I even heard they are exactly alike and a month in the relationship went on holiday together and came back even more inlove. but after reading your blog, i realized something. i shouldn’t care anymore, what happens between them is their story. point is we did not connect as a couple was suppose to and therefore i am better of without him. I can’t wait for the day I enter as a whole person (im still healing, but time is getting me there) into a mutually emotional available MATURE relationship :). when im good and ready. because that would def triumph over this one by far.
thanks for this. i’m finally able to make sense of it and let it go. and i also now know what signs to look out for.
Hi Darlene, I’ve been in counselling for along time and has really helped me in relationships.. Althought I’m still learning to keep distance from those emotionally unavailable. I dated someone who said right on his on-line dating account casual/no commitment, but he did also say he was open to exploring if the right person came along.. The first date was great, we talked for 3 hours and he said it was the first time he hadn’t looked at his watch in that long.. he followed up almost daily with texts message to see how I was.. but has time went on they slowed down.. I would wait a few days and then contact him.. he never wanted to make plans, and I was for the most part the pursuer.. When I confronted him, he said that he really enjoyed his time with me and we got along well, but felt nothing more than that. I should have listened those words the first time as I told him I was ok with that for now and let’s see where things go. I did see him a couple of times after that, but it was short and he didn’t seem as interested. I did finally confront him again this week and said that I didn’t want to chase a ghost. He told me that his heart would not let him.. not sure what that meant and I asked him.. He said he was unable to fall in love. His marriage broke up 5 years ago.. His wife had cheated on him with their close friend and neigbour and just told him one day that she was leaving and had bought a house with this new guy. He also has 3 children, which I know he is good too. I know he had a 2nd relationship about 2 years after the break with his wife that lasted 10 months.. I believe it ended badly, but not sure.. I knew I had to move and I have, learning that I need to take care of myself and to go after “available” men.
Tracey
Hi Darlene, I’ve been in counselling for along time and has really helped me in relationships.. Althought I’m still learning to keep distance from those emotionally unavailable. I dated someone who said right on his on-line dating account casual/no commitment, but he did also say he was open to exploring if the right person came along.. The first date was great, we talked for 3 hours and he said it was the first time he hadn’t looked at his watch in that long.. he followed up almost daily with texts message to see how I was.. but has time went on they slowed down.. I would wait a few days and then contact him.. he never wanted to make plans, and I was for the most part the pursuer.. When I confronted him, he said that he really enjoyed his time with me and we got along well, but felt nothing more than that. I should have listened those words the first time as I told him I was ok with that for now and let’s see where things go. I did see him a couple of times after that, but it was short and he didn’t seem as interested. I did finally confront him again this week and said that I didn’t want to chase a ghost. He told me that his heart would not let him.. not sure what that meant and I asked him.. He said he was unable to fall in love. His marriage broke up 5 years ago.. His wife had cheated on him with their close friend and neigbour and just told him one day that she was leaving and had bought a house with this new guy. He also has 3 children, which I know he is good too. I know he had a 2nd relationship about 2 years after the break with his wife that lasted 10 months.. I believe it ended badly, but not sure.. I knew I had to move and I have, learning that I need to take care of myself and to go after “available” men.
Tracey
I just broke up with a man after 2.5 months and my situation sounds identical to yours.Was divorced 4 years, said on 1st date he had 2 failed relationships this past year after a few months only with each woman. Said too on the 1st date he can’t remember the last time he enjoyed a woman’s company and the long walk we took. Didn’t want me to leave to go home. He texted me daily…checking in like I was his girlfriend already, but never got on the phone, never made plans again, Saw him a 2nd time,after 6 weeks,but he seemed cooler,even tho more sexually demanding. He disappeared ..no text for 4 days. By text to him I broke it off.
My mistake was thinking that I was better then the men in her past. I believed her stories of how bad they were or how they did her wrong. I know now that they were not so bad. But I still miss her after 8 months apart. And wonder how something that seemed so good went so bad so fast…probably because it never really was that good to begin with. And wonder why I was so foolish to believe.
Wayne, don’t be too hard on yourself. People don’t show their true colors in the early stages of romance, but I think you must have learned something about projection, yours and hers. Chapter 6 of Conquering Codependency and Shame goes into detail about how shame creates such problems in relationships to make people unavailable or pursue those who are.
Just discovering your posts Darlene, thank you, insightful, still, I am so confused. I have been in along-distance relationship with a man for half a year. He is kind, committed to me pretty quick, although we had our share of him pulling away after visiting each other and me becoming insecure. (Like you write above:”It’s natural that when one person withdraws emotionally, it makes the other person insecure.”) It’s been okay because I was able to share my feelings with him, which I have avoided in past relationships, but found then resentment builds up, so this time I wanted to be open, even if it makes me vulnerable. He always supports me sharing my feelings and is kind and we talk about it. I get the feeling he is scared to disappoint me, not being good enough, not being able to give me what I need, he has been very hurt in his last two relationships. We have been planning to move together, although we both say it’s quick, only knowing each other in person for 6 months, but we are both sick of the long distance and say we won’t know until we try. I got offered a job where he lives, but this weekend I visited him and the same feeling I get when I visit him was there- just this sadness and something in me drops. I thought about it on the drive home and started to wonder if he is emotional unavailable. He is committed, he wants to move in together, he even talks about buying a house in the future. He is kind, he has not disrespected me like my past boyfriends or puts me down or looks at me like a sexual object. These are my past experiences of relationships. I know I have been emotionally unavailable in the past too, and been working on this with my counsellor. So it’s a big step to tell him when I have a problem, e.g. that I just don’t feel that connected. I thought the whole time it is me, but now I worry it is him, and that we will not be able to become close in real like we do when we are on Skype or the phone. It costs me lots of courage to share my feelings with him, because I fear to be rejected. I have shared in the past, that something is not quite right, I wasn’t able to put my finger on it. But I think that despite his ‘I love you’s and moments when he is open and I can feel his love, there is this fear in me, that he is not able to let his wall down. I don’t even think he knows he’s got this wall. I do think I have the skills to be intimate and intimacy is very important to me in relationships. I have the feeling it’s important to him too, he talks about connection and not letting my mind rule me and enjoy the moment and not worry so much. But at the same time it feels to me like he is not in his heart, like he is closed off. It’s like the dynamic between us is that he fears to disappoint me and not be good enough for me, he closes himself off, then picks up on my sadness and gets scared. Does this make sense? I am going to have a talk to him, but right now I am just scared on how I’m going to do that, because I don’t want to be critical or like he is not good enough. Also doesn’t help that in my past relationship I had a talk about feeling disconnected and my ex said it’s my problem and not his and he nutted out at me and became abusive. I really like this man and want us to work together to grow together. Any suggestions Darlene? Thank you and I will have a look at your other articles.
Thank you Nadine for your clear description of your feelings with someone not open. I’ve felt it myself, and it can feel lonely. To what extent your past is being triggered or whether he can become more open I cannot say. Best bet is to do couples counseling with someone who is psychodynamic in orientation. Fabulous that you’re having the courage to be open and honest, and this is the best way to make it safe for him, if it’s possible. You can both take the quiz on my blog on attachment. Shame underlies intimacy issues, as discussed in my book Conquering Shame.
I was in a relationship last April with a man who I met on a dating site. He was completely charming, I met his son on our first date, and he met my daughters. He quickly organised to come and stay with me, texting me constantly and making future plans with me. I was concerned he was rushing things a bit but at the same time enjoyed his enthusiasm. He had a lot of the traits that you “red flagged”.
I had come from an abusive marriage and had spent 5 years working on myself so I felt I was coming from a good place. I had attempted a relationship in between that didn’t work out so I was ready for commitment and this guy was telling me he would give me commitment. Then the excuses started, and he was very sexually explicit with me very early on and it did make me uncomfortable. Things dragged on for 3 months before I told him I was not going any further. I stopped contact for a year, but re-engaged with him last month. We argued, he told me “it was all about me”, but when I reminded him how it had been he apologised and told me he was wrong suggesting we meet for dinner. I sabotaged it because I was too scared I would still be in love with him, and start up all the old feelings. I’ve continued to argue with him until he has blocked me…. it was built up anger for the way he had left me hanging. My question is how do I let it go? I have had 4 or 5 sessions of counselling to help me come to terms with it, and see reason, but I am left with the throughts going around and around in my head.
I was in a relationship last April with a man who I met on a dating site. He was completely charming, I met his son on our first date, and he met my daughters. He quickly organised to come and stay with me, texting me constantly and making future plans with me. I was concerned he was rushing things a bit but at the same time enjoyed his enthusiasm. He had a lot of the traits that you “red flagged”.
I had come from an abusive marriage and had spent 5 years working on myself so I felt I was coming from a good place. I had attempted a relationship in between that didn’t work out so I was ready for commitment and this guy was telling me he would give me commitment. Then the excuses started, and he was very sexually explicit with me very early on and it did make me uncomfortable. Things dragged on for 3 months before I told him I was not going any further. I stopped contact for a year, but re-engaged with him last month. We argued, he told me “it was all about me”, but when I reminded him how it had been he apologised and told me he was wrong suggesting we meet for dinner. I sabotaged it because I was too scared I would still be in love with him, and start up all the old feelings. I’ve continued to argue with him until he has blocked me…. it was built up anger for the way he had left me hanging. My question is how do I let it go? I have had 4 or 5 sessions of counselling to help me come to terms with it, and see reason, but I am left with the throughts going around and around in my head.
I would first of all reframe your self-blame to to healthy self-protection. Your fear sound warranted. Rejection actually has biological effects. Talk to your therapist about your history of rejection and disentangle your self-esteem and shame from the actions of other people. Q.T.I.P = Quit Taking It Personally! My book on shame would be helpful, too, particularly with a history of abuse. Often there are wounds that remain unconscious-likely pre-dating your marriage.
hello Darlene
Just came accross your blog, and I have to say that I can see myself in what you wrote. My experience is actually different. I realized that I am only dating unavailble women. I’ ve had a string of long distance relationships that went straight to the wall. I dated a couple of married women. I dated women that freshly broke up. I dated women that wouldn’t care to spend the day with me. Lately, I thought I had found the one. A single woman who seemed well-balanced, and ready for a relationship. I realized that she was just number 10 in your list: Seduction. All she cared about was the seduction part. Once she got what she was looking for, it doesn’t even seem like she was interested in going further.
I am wondering why I keep reproducing the same mistake over and over again. am I attracting all the unavailable ones? Am I looking for them? I don t know what’s going on anymore. All I am looking for is an emotionally stable person, someone who wants to have serious relationship, and build something serious. I have checked your list and tried to see if I was the one unavailable. I can honestly say I have answered no to all of your questions. So what is it?
It’s likely driven by unconscious feelings having to do with your childhood relationships with your parents. Also, check more honestly into what are your comfort level and boundaries around intimacy and extended time together. It will probably take a significant time in therapy to reverse this trend and a willingness to be with someone healthy you aren’t wild about. Let the relationship evolve over several months of spending time together. True love doesn’t always have fireworks, but warm coals that keep glowing.
hello Darlene
Just came accross your blog, and I have to say that I can see myself in what you wrote. My experience is actually different. I realized that I am only dating unavailble women. I’ ve had a string of long distance relationships that went straight to the wall. I dated a couple of married women. I dated women that freshly broke up. I dated women that wouldn’t care to spend the day with me. Lately, I thought I had found the one. A single woman who seemed well-balanced, and ready for a relationship. I realized that she was just number 10 in your list: Seduction. All she cared about was the seduction part. Once she got what she was looking for, it doesn’t even seem like she was interested in going further.
I am wondering why I keep reproducing the same mistake over and over again. am I attracting all the unavailable ones? Am I looking for them? I don t know what’s going on anymore. All I am looking for is an emotionally stable person, someone who wants to have serious relationship, and build something serious. I have checked your list and tried to see if I was the one unavailable. I can honestly say I have answered no to all of your questions. So what is it?
Hi, I am a codependent (recently discovered) married to a man who, I feel, cannot connect emotionally which I find after reading your post that I myself am also unable to connect emotionally bc I keep pushing him away. Is it such a thing that maybe I am pushing him away bc I have been so discouraged that we haven’t connected in our marriage of 3 years and maybe I am not unable to connect emotionally? I never thought I had a problem with it before bc I am an emotional person. Or does that even make a difference when talking about connecting with others? The main question I have is: I have been considering leaving him bc I was thinking he is a narcissist, now I find out I am a codependent but even before, I didn’t want to make a rash decision in leaving him bc this is my third marriage and I have 5 children…I think I would be a better person alone…not be in a relationship at all. Raising my children alone, I’m always a better mother. Not as insecure, no big jealousy issues and I manage stress better. But I do love him and wanted our marriage to work, it’s just that now I see he is not available emotionally or otherwise, wont open up, and has lied some major lies in our marriage. I know I’m not going to leave anytime soon but wish I could decide bc I feel something is very wrong. He presents as perfect in beginning and now even. Has no ‘issues’ he works on. Seems like the old additive, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. But am I the one who is to blame? I’m not perfect at all and he knows it. I discuss it openly. Maybe I am just messed up from my childhood. Maybe I like to be less and wont amount to much more until I get therapy and meds. Your input would be grateful. Thank you for taking the time to read my pity party post.
These are questions you can sort out in therapy and by working on your codependency. I suggest CoDA meetings and reading and implementing the steps in Dealing with a Narcissist.
Hi Darlene,
Thank you for such a great straight forward post. I am in a long distance relationship, I am in New York and he is in Sweden. When I first met him, I just got out of dating someone who left me hurt and before him I was in a 10 year relationship which left me damaged. We, the Swede and I, have been “dating” for the past year and I have visited him twice and we had 2 amazing vacations together. In the beginning I thought it was okay to have someone from afar so I can focus on myself because I knew there were things I needed to work on such as my insecurities and self worth issues. As time went on, I started to get attached and after the 2nd vacation together, we wanted to be together. We spoke about me moving there and he even suggested it and I agreed but after that conversation, he became distant and I felt he was avoiding me and any conversation about the moving. The next Skype session we had, I brought it up and he told me he is scared, scared of failure and other things. He has been in 4 relationships where he has gotten hurt so he is pretty damaged. Although upset, I understood.
I know he is emotionally unavailable .. there is lack of communication between us and there is never anything in depth to connect to him but I know he is an amazing great man. He is the best man I have ever dated and I think that is why it is hard to let him go. I don’t really know what to do now. I feel ever since the serious talk about moving in together, he has became distant. In my heart and gut I feel he wants to be with me and cares for me but there is this wall up. I know I have issues too and am emotionally unavailable in my own ways but I was willing to work together. It is a very complicated situation. =(
Hi Darlene,
Thank you for such a great straight forward post. I am in a long distance relationship, I am in New York and he is in Sweden. When I first met him, I just got out of dating someone who left me hurt and before him I was in a 10 year relationship which left me damaged. We, the Swede and I, have been “dating” for the past year and I have visited him twice and we had 2 amazing vacations together. In the beginning I thought it was okay to have someone from afar so I can focus on myself because I knew there were things I needed to work on such as my insecurities and self worth issues. As time went on, I started to get attached and after the 2nd vacation together, we wanted to be together. We spoke about me moving there and he even suggested it and I agreed but after that conversation, he became distant and I felt he was avoiding me and any conversation about the moving. The next Skype session we had, I brought it up and he told me he is scared, scared of failure and other things. He has been in 4 relationships where he has gotten hurt so he is pretty damaged. Although upset, I understood.
I know he is emotionally unavailable .. there is lack of communication between us and there is never anything in depth to connect to him but I know he is an amazing great man. He is the best man I have ever dated and I think that is why it is hard to let him go. I don’t really know what to do now. I feel ever since the serious talk about moving in together, he has became distant. In my heart and gut I feel he wants to be with me and cares for me but there is this wall up. I know I have issues too and am emotionally unavailable in my own ways but I was willing to work together. It is a very complicated situation. =(
FYI, how wonderful a person is has little to do with their relationship skills and ability to commit. See my recent blog on attachment styles.
Hi Darlene, recently I re-connected with an old flame. He has been one of my best friends pretty much my whole life, and we have dated on and off in the past. This time, seemed very different, He was closed off, emotionally cold towards me. We have been physically intimate a few times but it seems as though he keeps me at an arms length. He is an actor and has started to film a feature length movie. That monopolizes alot of his time, and I certainly understand that, but it seems to be an excuse to keep himself busy and not commit any time or work into whatever this is. He has turned into a narcissistic person when we are around other people. Hes no the man I once knew. Should I cut my losses?
It sounds like you have answered your own question.
Hi Darlene, after reading your posting I think I dare to admit myself as someone who’s emotionally unavailable. I didn’t know this until I read your posting but I already found myself very weird everytime I started to engage in a relationship. There’s a strong feeling of wanting to run away, to avoid my partner, not to share everything openly, I’m being distrustful, panic attack, suspicion. I hate to feel. I love my brain better than my heart, because I find it hard to control my emotions, which is mostly sadness and fear. I had an almost lifetime sexual and emotional abuses that I find it hard to trust again that I scrutinize people’s kindness: people can’t be that kind.
I’m sad don’t you think?
But I don’t want to stop here. I want to grow. Thank you for the good posting! God bless xoxox
Hi Darlene, after reading your posting I think I dare to admit myself as someone who’s emotionally unavailable. I didn’t know this until I read your posting but I already found myself very weird everytime I started to engage in a relationship. There’s a strong feeling of wanting to run away, to avoid my partner, not to share everything openly, I’m being distrustful, panic attack, suspicion. I hate to feel. I love my brain better than my heart, because I find it hard to control my emotions, which is mostly sadness and fear. I had an almost lifetime sexual and emotional abuses that I find it hard to trust again that I scrutinize people’s kindness: people can’t be that kind.
I’m sad don’t you think?
But I don’t want to stop here. I want to grow. Thank you for the good posting! God bless xoxox
Thank you for your honesty. You are not alone. Most people are afraid of intimacy due to trauma of different kinds. Healing that and your shame can change that. I recommend therapy if you’re not already in it, and doing the steps in my book, Conquering Shame and Codependency.
We’ve been together for 2.5 years and have 9 month old son, he is chronic workaholic, always comes home late at night when we are long asleep. He never disclosed anything about his past in a proper manner. He is constantly busy or he will make himself occupied if there is nothing to do at work. If we decide to go anywhere it always will be his friend’s place or we take friends with us, we NEVER go anywhere without them. When he is around me he looks frustrated, uncomfortable and actually awkward, conversations take work and no matter how long we are together we are not getting closer. We don’t even fight, we spent so tiny amount time together…hard choice, we have child together and I am afraid to leave, I am afraid if I find another man he won’t love my son as much as real parents love their own child. I don’t know what to do………
Thank you for your post Darlene. I have been in a relationship with a man for nine months, and he is the most emotionally stable person I’ve ever met, to the point where he has never revealed to me any emotional vulnerability whatsoever. He says he has only ever felt hurt once by a woman upon breakup, but when I ask about it he avoids answering. I feel like there is nothing holding us together because I can’t relate to him emotionally and I’m not even sure he cares about the people he dates on any real level. He also has so many rules about his schedule and particulars that he has a really hard time compromising on. I’m not sure what to do, I feel like he’s just a happy guy and I’m taking that for granted, but my inability to understand him emotionally nonetheless concerns me.
Not having met the man, it would be hard to guess, but he sounds as if he needs a lot of control to protect himself and is rigid in his behavior and his feelings – and I surmise boundaries. I presume he affords you a sense of safety you’re attracted to. Don’t expect him to change.
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I realise I’m not emotionally available as much as the guy I’m interested in at the time I meet him I never understood why he didnt want to take the next step and I felt totally ready but forgot about him. Now when we see each other its awkward we just ignore each other all time like we both dont exist yet me know each other. I still have hope that were become friends if not in a relationship because now I know Im not ready too.
I just found out from reading this that I’m emotionally unavailable.
And I guess it started with past two relationships. My boyfriend now loves me and I can tell he loves me and he’s probably the perfect guy but… Like it says here I feel like I can do everything on my own and I don’t want to be attached to someone else and that’s kinda what a relationship means. It’s horrible. Guys just leave you. I feel like people just leave you all the time so there’s no reason to even go there anymore. It’s very sad and I’m just now realizing it. Thank you for this post.
I just found out from reading this that I’m emotionally unavailable.
And I guess it started with past two relationships. My boyfriend now loves me and I can tell he loves me and he’s probably the perfect guy but… Like it says here I feel like I can do everything on my own and I don’t want to be attached to someone else and that’s kinda what a relationship means. It’s horrible. Guys just leave you. I feel like people just leave you all the time so there’s no reason to even go there anymore. It’s very sad and I’m just now realizing it. Thank you for this post.
My 36 year relationship broke up two years ago because of my husband’s infidelity. It was excruciatingly painful to me but I’m doing better and actually have been dating someone for a year now. This person has helped me a lot because he’s been through divorce, and in many ways he’s helped me move forward. Anyway, he would like to get married or live together some day, but the thought of ever doing that makes me feel a bit panicked, like I could get trapped. After what I went through in my marriage I promised myself I’d never let someone else’s decisions determine the course of my life again. I don’t know if my feelings will ever change, but I’m older and not sure if I ever want to get married again. Is this normal? I’ve been through a lot of counseling and my counselor says I’m doing great. She thinks it’s good that I’m dating, and seems to think it’s a positive experience for me.
After being in a codependent relationship, once in recovery often people become “counterdependent” because of the fears you mention. Autonomy is an inside job, regardless of whether you’re married or not. Keep working on this in your therapy and the exercises suggested in my books. I discuss this phenomenon at length in my coming book Conquering Shame and Codependency.