To Trust or Mistrust – Part I

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Relationship, betrayal and jealousy

Many people have unrealistic ideas about trust. They assume the worst and are distrustful, or they overtrust and are easily taken in. People in the first category put up walls and keep others at a distance. The second group proudly claims to trust someone until they have a reason not to. Then they’re shocked when they’ve relied on someone untrustworthy.

In today’s mobile world, usually, when we first meet someone, we don’t know anything about their integrity or past conduct, except what they tell us.

Trustworthiness is proven over time by actions, not only by words. You can get hurt by believing what people say and ignoring their actions To be trustworthy, a person has to “walk their talk” – words and actions must be congruent. You also have to be able to trust your perceptions, a skill difficult for some codependents who trust too little or too much. Being able to trust realistically is a learning process.

When you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional family environment where your parents kept secrets or invalidated your perceptions, you learned to doubt yourself. You may become distrustful and/or the opposite, suggestible to what others say and disconnected from your own inner guidance system. Either way, you’re not able to realistically evaluate other people.

Evaluating Trustworthiness

The following are qualities to look for when you’re getting to know someone and evaluating a person’s trustworthiness. They’re one and the same as elements that create trust and safety in relationships.

Honest Communication

Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of good relationships and building trust. This is a problem in codependent relationships, because partners have difficulty knowing and openly and honestly discussing their feelings. Communication is often indirect, reactive, and defensive. When you’re closed, it raises doubts and misunderstandings with your partner.

Honest communication requires that you’re assertive about what you want and need and that you openly express your feelings, including what you don’t like when you expect your partner to read your mind and have unspoken expectations, it leads to resentment and conflict and undermines trust. Similarly, when you hide negative feelings, they come out sideways in behavior, such as lateness, forgetfulness, infidelity, or withdrawal.  Your words and actions don’t match, which builds distrust.

Obviously, lying, breaking promises, keeping secrets, and denying things you’ve said quickly build distrust. It’s not worth losing your credibility over even a small lie or secret. Even shading the truth, can seriously injure trust and be hard to repair. It can cause your partner to doubt other, bigger things that you’re honest about.

Boundaries

Boundaries are limits. They’re important because they create a sense of safety. In getting to know someone, it’s important to have an honest discussion about the boundaries and privacy you’re comfortable with. You may desire boundaries regarding your belongings, space, emails, and conversations, which, if violated would cause you to distrust your partner. You may feel betrayed if a private conversation with your partner is repeated to his or her friend, or if he or she talks to one of your friends or relatives about you.

Years ago when I was a lawyer, I felt my boundaries were violated when a date sent flowers to my office for no reason, which although a nice gesture, embarrassed me at work. I wanted a boundary between my work and private life. It caused me to distrust the man’s judgment and discretion and proved to be true in other areas. When you tell someone your boundaries and they ignore them, this creates a second violation – one of disrespect. You may have to explain the reasons for your boundaries with the person who has a totally different mindset.

A crucial boundary is the one around your body and sexuality. How much touching are you comfortable with early in your relationship, when and where? Are you going to be nonexclusive, sexually exclusive, or committed?  Physical and sexual boundaries are essential to allow and protect the intimacy in your relationship. Jealousy and infidelity or even the perception of infidelity can irreparably ruin a relationship. You and your partner may have different values about what is acceptable. Have a frank conversation about what you require to feel safe and loving. Don’t be accommodating or idealistic about it – be real!

Reliability

Simple things, like doing what you say you’ll do, returning loaned property, being on time, and keeping dates, build trust. These are all examples of “Walking the Talk.” Breaking promises, even small ones, creates disappointment. It also sends the message that the other person’s feelings and needs don’t matter. If it happens enough times, your partner loses trust and builds resentment that erodes the relationship.

Predictability

As you get to know someone, you construct an idea in your mind about who they are and that gives you a certain sense of comfort and security. If he or she starts behaving in very unpredictable ways or in a manner that’s inconsistent with what’s become the norm, it gives rise to mistrust and doubt about the person’s mental health, fidelity, or financial dealings. If you’re going through some changes, like changing your job or not feeling sexual, it’s best to have open, honest communication about it before questions arise.

Learning to Trust

Learning to trust is not so much about the other person as it is learning to trust your own perceptions and paying attention to your doubts and intuition. When you’re with someone, move your attention inward to see what sensations you experience in their presence. Anger, shame, guilt, and hurt are feelings that may be a signal that your boundaries have been crossed by verbal abuse or manipulation. Spend time with yourself and notice the differences between being with and away from the other person.

Once trust is broken, specific steps are needed to rebuild it. See my article, “Rebuilding Trust – Part II” to read more about rebuilding trust and the origins of the inability to evaluate trustworthiness.

©Darlene Lancer 2012

 

 

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Ro
Ro
5 years ago

I have tried all of these in this article. It has been 10 mons and I am committed and exclusive to my partner however, he just can’t seem to trust me. It feels like I am paying for past relationships that did him wrong and all the abuse he endured growing up. When you find real pure love but can’t trust the one you love what do you do? What does that partner do? I have done nothing wrong. I have been open and honest. I have been empathetic & understanding but it feels like he is calling me a… Read more »

Darlene Lancer, LMFT
5 years ago
Reply to  Ro

Typically, it’s hard to prove a negative – you didn’t do something. If your partner was betrayed in the past, nothing you can do can disentangle his past hurt that hasn’t healed, unless he chooses to let go of it. He or both of you should seek counseling if he’s willing. If not, you merely remain an object of his punishment.

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