We’ve all done things we regret, but some of us ruminate and punish ourselves with guilt unnecessarily. A little guilt is good. Yes! Guilt actually encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Self-forgiveness following guilt is essential to maintain self-esteem, which is key to the enjoyment of life and relationships.
Yet, for many, self-acceptance remains elusive because of unhealthy guilt – sometimes for decades or a lifetime. Guilt may be an unrelenting source of pain. You might believe that you should feel guilty and condemn yourself, not once, but over and over.
Alternatively, guilt may simmer in your unconscious and impact your choices and behavior. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage your goals. Guilt causes anger and resentment, not only at yourself, but also toward others in order to justify your actions. Anger, resentment, and guilt sap your energy, cause depression and illness and stop you from having success, pleasure, and fulfilling relationships. It keeps you stuck in the past and prevents you from moving forward.
Irrational Guilt
You may feel guilty not only for your actions, but also thoughts: For instance, wishing someone pain, misfortune, or even death; or for feelings, like anger, lust, or greed; or lack of feelings, such as not reciprocating love or friendship, or not feeling grief over the loss of someone close. Although irrational, you might feel guilty for the thoughts, attributes, feelings, and actions of someone else. It’s not unusual for people to feel guilty for leaving their faith or not meeting the expectations of their parents.
People often judge themselves based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which they believe to be true. For example, a woman projects her self-centeredness onto her husband and accuses him of being selfish. He believes it, not realizing it is she who is selfish (attribute). She might blame her insecurity (feeling) on him, claiming he’s flirting, uncaring, or indifferent. A man might blame his anger (feeling) or mistake (action) on his partner, and she wrongly assumes responsibility and feels guilty.
It’s common for codependents to take the blame for others’ behavior, because of weak boundaries and low self-esteem. A spouse might accept her husband’s blame and feel guilty for his drinking or addiction. Victims of abuse or sexual assault frequently feel guilt and shame, despite the fact that they were victims and it’s the perpetrator that is culpable. When it comes to divorce, those initiating it often feel guilty, even though responsibility for their marital problem is shared or was primarily due to their partner.
Shame Distinguished
Guilt should be distinguished from shame, where you feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you are versus what you did. When irrational and not absolved, guilt can lead to shame. Shame isn’t constructive. Instead of enhancing empathy and self-improvement, it has the opposite effect. It leads to greater self-preoccupation and undermines both the self and relationships.
How to Forgive Yourself
If you already have low self-esteem or have issues around shame (most people do), it may be difficult to concentrate on what it is you feel guilty about. However, this is necessary in order to get past it. Rationalizing or brushing it under the rug to avoid self-examination may help temporarily, but not achieve self-forgiveness. Alternatively, beating yourself up prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem; while, accepting responsibility and taking remedial action improves it. Here are suggested steps you can take. I refer to actions, but they apply equally to thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about:
1. If you’ve been rationalizing your actions, take responsibility. “Okay, I did (or said) it.”
2. Write a story about what happened, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during, and after.
3. Analyze what were your needs at that time, and were they being met. If not, why not?
4. What were your motives? What or who was the catalyst for your behavior?
5. Does the catalyst remind you of something from your past? Write a story about it, and include dialogue and your feelings.
6. How were your feelings and mistakes handled growing up? Were they forgiven, judged, or punished? Who was hard on you? Were you made to feel ashamed?
7. Evaluate the values, beliefs, and standards by which you’re judging yourself. Are they yours, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or those of your faith? Do you need their approval? It’s pointless to try to live up to someone else’s expectations. Others’ desires and values have more to do with them. They may never approve, or you may sacrifice yourself and your happiness seeking approval.
8. Identify the values and beliefs that in fact governed you during the event? For example, “Adultery is okay if my spouse never finds out.” Be honest, and decide which values you agree with.
9. Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values? Notice that you hurt yourself when you violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else.
10. How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list.
11. Think of ways to make amends? Take action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future.
12. Looking back, what healthier beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions would have led to a more desirable result?
13. Do you expect perfection? Has this improved your overall well-being? Perfection is illusory and a manifestation of underlying shame.
14. Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself?
15. Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you’ve learned from your experience and how you might act differently today.
16. Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.
17. Self-talk is powerful. Beware if yours is negative. On a daily basis, repeat words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.” Listen to my Self-Love Meditation.
18. Share honestly with others what you did. Don’t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame.
Realize that you can forgive yourself and still believe you were at fault, just as you might forgive someone else even though you think the person was in the wrong. You can regret what you did, yet accept that you’re human and make mistakes. Perhaps, you did your best, given your circumstances, awareness, maturity, and experience at the time. This is a healthy, humble attitude.
If you continue to have difficulties with self-forgiveness, I recommend my ebook, Freedom from Guilt and Blame – Finding Self-Forgiveness. If you’re suffering from shame, which predisposes you to self-loathing and feeling bad about yourself, it’s helpful to see a counselor. See also my blogs on self-nurturing and self-love and my ebook, 10 Steps to Self Esteem to build your self-esteem.
©Darlene Lancer 2013