Like a smooth-running car, you don’t have to keep repairing it. You may be angry and argue, but you still have goodwill toward one another. You talk things over, resolve conflicts, and return to a loving, enjoyable state. Cars need maintenance, however. Take care of it, and it performs better.
Relationships also take time and effort to maintain an intimate connection. This happens naturally in the initial romantic stage when you want to get to know your partner, spend time together, have frequent sex, and are more open and flexible. You’re less willing to compromise and may want less intimacy. Even if you don’t actually argue, you may return to the same emotional state you were in before you met – or worse – and wonder where your love went or whether your partner loves you. This is where the “struggle for intimacy” is required in order to maintain that love connection.
Warning Signs of Problems
Here are some warning signs that your relationship may be in trouble. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not salvageable or that you can’t get the love connection back, but it does mean you both need to have honest communication and may need the assistance of marriage counseling. The following list of relationship problems applies to either you or your partner. They’re also common characteristics of codependent relationships, and codependency may be the underlying issue.
1. Inflexibility or repeated unwillingness to compromise on decisions, such as social activities, chores, moving, and having children.
2. Selfishness or self-involvement with your own feelings and needs, without concern and support for those of your partner.
3. Meddling by parents.
4. Repeated deference to a friend or relative over your partner’s objection.
6. A pattern of withholding communication, affection, or sex. This is often a sign of veiled anger.
7. Arguments or problems that don’t get resolved.
8. Raging or name-calling. See “What is Narcissistic Abuse?“
9. Keeping secrets.
10. Passive-aggressive or aggressive behavior, including shoving or breaking objects.
11. Controlling behavior, including giving unwanted advice, ordering, or withholding money for affordable expenses in order to control.
12. A secret romantic relationship or pattern of flirting.
13. Use of drugs or alcohol that impacts the relationship or work.
14. Too much time apart if it causes your partner dissatisfaction.
15. Persistent resentments, judgments, or disappointments.
16. Lack of open communication generally, or communication that lacks personal content. Note that this may not be a problem for some couples with low intimacy needs, where their relationship functions well like a business partnership.
17. Breakdown of trust. This can be caused by numerous things, such as dishonesty, using personal information against your partner, unreliability, broken promises or agreements violating personal boundaries, or infidelity. See also “Rebuilding Trust,”
18. You need constant attention, validation, or reassurance – whatever’s given is never fulfilling for very long.
19. There are subjects that are off-limits or you’re afraid to talk about.
20. Violating personal boundaries, such as disrespecting your request to not be called at work, to not have confidential information repeated to others, to not be criticized about something, or to not read your mail.
The purpose of this checklist is not to score your relationship or your partner, but to raise issues that you may need to address personally and talk openly about with him or her.
The Cause of Problems
Many of these relationship problems revolve around a lack of healthy, assertive communication – communication that is open, direct, respectful, honest, and personal. Couples get into problems when they’re afraid to be honest – usually because they think the truth will upset their partner and might jeopardize the relationship. They don’t express their hurt or ask for the love or support they want, or they do so in a way that’s critical or blaming. People learn to communicate and problem-solve with others in their family growing up. Without good role models, some never learned how to be assertive. Assertiveness can be learned, but takes practice. See How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits (also available as a webinar.)
Other relationship problems are created by an imbalance of power, where one partner attempts to dominate the other through aggression, control, or emotional or verbal abuse. This is damaging to the relationship and the self-esteem of the other partner. It’s not uncommon in relationships with an addict or narcissist. One partner can control the other through neediness, demands for attention or validation, or playing the victim, with the expectation that the other person make him or her happy.
Repetitive negative relationship patterns stem from problems originating in childhood, such as disrespectful communication, lack of nurturing or free emotional expression, a controlling parent, violation of boundaries, neglect, witnessing parental conflict, mental illness, addiction, or abuse. A variety of dysfunctional parenting styles cause shame and undermine a child’s self-esteem that continues into adulthood.
Shame and low self-esteem thwart love, intimacy, and assertive communication. Individuals with shame and low self-esteem don’t feel worthy of love and/or respect, and either withdraw emotionally or push their partner away directly or indirectly. They abuse or allow abuse, imagine they’re being criticized when they’re not, and are so afraid of losing the relationship that they smother or control their partner or withhold negative feelings and build resentments. See my ebook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and webinar.
Change is Possible
The struggle for intimacy requires the courage to face unhealthy behavior and attitudes and be vulnerable. It entails overcoming defenses of denial, withdrawal, control, or placating to avoid a real connection. Don’t ignore these problems or just argue about them, which deepens the divide between you and your partner. Instead see couples counseling. Because relationships are dynamic systems, when one partner behaves in a manner listed above, it damages the relationship. Similarly, studies show that if you improve your self-esteem and communication skills, the relationship improves. Many times, one spouse in individual therapy makes positive changes, and the marriage changes for the better.
Because assertiveness and good self-esteem are so important to both happiness and relationships, I wrote ebooks to help you. See Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.
©Darlene Lancer 2013